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T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers.154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 

FOR WOMEN'S CLUBS 



BY 

EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

AUTHOR OF 

'A Prairie Rose" "A Burns Rebellion;' "As a Woman Thinketh, 

"The Class Ship" "The Graduate's Choice" "Wanted: A 

Cook" "The Commencement Manual" 

"Star Bright" Etc. 




CHICAGO 
S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 



P5353I 

CLUBBING A HUsSaND 



CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Blanche Newmann A Bride 

Mrs. Henrietta Ashton Her Sister from Boston 

Maud Ashton Api Ch'ergrozvji Girl, Dressed Young. 

Belle Mrs. Nezvniann's Colored Cook 

Brh^get O'Flanagan A ''Wash-lady'^ 

Mrs. Ottaway An Old Grandmother of the Past 

Mrs. Ferris Her Daughter 

Dr. Georgiana Jordan An Old Maid Suffragette 

Mrs. Whitney Inelined to be Jealous 

Mrs. Reynolds Something of a Bargain Hunter 

Mrs. Harry Hudson Inclined to he Nervous 

Mrs. Skylark A Woman of Ideals 



Scene — A Country Town. 
Time — The Present Day. 



Time of Playing — About Tzvo Hours. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I — Morning. Mrs. Newmann's Living Room. 
"Planned." 

Act n — Afternoon. Same Room. "Fanned." 
Act hi — Evening. Dr. Jordan's Office. "Manned." 



COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 



2 
CI.D 41954 



nj 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I — A domestic tragedy. 'Til never marry a travel- 
ing man again — never, never, never!" The servant problem 
satisfactorily solved by Mrs. New^mann. Mrs. Reynolds 
sizes up the situation. "Enter big sister — exit husband!" 
Arrival of the big sister, and the big sister's ''little girl." 
Mr. Ashton's efforts to "save" her sister, and all her sister's 
friends, servants and their relations are heartily seconded 
by Dr. Jordan, who hates men "like microbes." "You shall 
all be no more slaves, but women!" 

Act II— Maud be"\vails her lot while waiting the arrival 
of the downi-trodden females. Mrs. Newmann is not sure 
of herself. 'T always say just whatever George says." The 
ladies arrive, and each has a point of view of her owm, 
regardless of Mrs. Ottaway's disapproval. "A quilting-bee 
or a sewing circle was always good enough for me." The 
question of "clubbing" husbands is discussed thoroughly, 
while refreshments cast the deciding vote. "This is a move- 
ment like yeast. It has to w^ork ! It compels women to 
rise!" Dr. Jordan has the last word. "The Club's the 
thing !" 

Act III — Bridget and Belle decide to "strike" early in 
the game. Maud makes herself useful "like a good little 
girl," and earns her right to remain. "Everybody works 
poor father!" The habit of "slavery" seems firmly rooted 
in the feminine mind. "Sambo — he am my man !" Maud 
makes a speech. "Down with the men!" Mrs. Ferris be- 
comes alarmed, "^^^^en the wives are away, the men will 
play." Mrs. Ashton reluctantly consents to be made "chair- 
woman," and things are progressing beautifully, when a 
call for the doctor startles everyone, and unexpected mail 
influence reverses the whole current of thought and inten- 
tion. "The home's the thinof!" 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 



COSTUMES. 



Mrs. Newmann — In Act I, pretty morning wrapper. In 
Act II, more elaborate house gown for receiving guests. 
In Act III, tailored suit, hat, gloves, veil, etc., to taste. 

Mrs. Ashton — In Acts I and III, elegant street costume. 
In Act II, reception gown, flashy in color and style, much 
jewelry, lorgnette, etc. Should be of most imposing ap- 
pearance and dignified bearino- to overshadow the ladies of 
the village. 

Maud — Tall, slender girl, overgrown and awkward. 
Wears hair in braids down her back, very short dresses, 
child's hat, etc. In Acts I and III, outdoor dress and hat, 
child style. In Act II, dainty "Httle girl" party dress, big 
ribbon bow in hair, dainty hose and slippers, etc. In serv- 
ing refreshments, puts on pretty child's apron — white, lace 
trimmed. 

Belle — In Acts I and II, black dress, with white apron 
and cap. In Act III, flashy dress-up costume, hat, gloves, 
etc., with no regard for colors or fit. Off duty, she's a 
"cullud lady." 

Bridget — In Acts I and II, calico dress, torn and patched 
in peaces, sleeves up, soiled gingham apron, hair dishcA^eled. 
In Act III, an attempt to ''fix up" is noticeable, but iiothing 
but the plainest and shabbiest dress would "fit." Wears 
hat, cape, etc. 

Mrs. Ottaway — Old-fashioned black dress, neat white 
apron. Wears bonnet and shawl, carries hand-bag, with 
handkerchief, knitting work, spectacles. Gray hair, slow 
and feeble of step, but quick and sharp of tongue. Same 
in both last two acts. 

Mrs. Ferris — A timid, shrinking woman, neatly but not 
elaborately dressed ; plain colors and simple styles. Evi- 
dently a home body, devoted to home interests. 

Dr. Jordan. Tailor-made suit throughout, somewhat 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 5 

stiff and mannish, very prim and neat. Wears eyeglasses, 

carries medicine case. 

>\ 

Elegant street costumes throughout, 
varied as individual taste selects. 
Not too elaborate or extreme in 
style for the "best dress" of the 
village woman, but as up-to-date 
as would be most likely to be worn. 



Mrs. Whitney. 
Mrs. Reynolds. 
Mrs. Hudson. 
Mrs. Skylark. 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 

The visit of Mrs. Henrietta Ashton of Boston and her 
big-little daughter Maud to her newly-married sister, Mrs. 
Blanche Newmann, of a small village, being opportunely 
timed with the very first appearance of inharmony in the 
bride's wedded bliss, threatens to work disaster in all the 
domestic affairs of the neighborhood. Ten different women 
air their troubles, and at the instigation of Mrs. Ashton, 
•with her suffragette theories, decide to club together under 
the independent slogan, "Down with the men !" Mrs. New- 
mann's colored cook and her Irish wash-lady, Bridget 
O'Flanagan, contribute their shares to the general disturb- 
ance, and Dr. Jordan, the "doctor-lady," is most emphatic 
in her declaration of feminine independence. 

Meeting at the office of Dr. Jordan for final organization, 
however, the rumor of one husband's sudden illness strikes 
terror to every one, who beneath the surface is really loyal 
to the earlier ideas of wifehood and motherhood ; while two 
letters, one commanding Mrs. Ashton's immediate return 
to her husband, and the other proposing marriage to the 
man-hating Dr. Jordan, breaks up the whole affair in won- 
derfully short order, while all unite in declaring that 
"When you're tired and hungry, or want your husband, the 
home's the thing!" 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 



PROPERTIES. 



Act I — Lounge with cushions ; mirror, clock, powder 
pull for Mrs. Nevvmann ; hat for Maud. Medicine case and 
umbrella for Dr. Jordan. Four chairs. 

Act II — Same scene, with, enough more chairs to furnish 
seats for all. Book for Maud. Duster for Belle. Knitting 
work and handkerchief in hand-bag for Mrs. Ottaway. 
Parcels of all shapes and sizes for Mrs. Reynolds. Three 
trays, cups and saucers, spoons, cream, sugar, sandwiches, 
napkins, etc., for Belle, Bridget and Maud. 

Act III — Chairs for Dr. Jordan and Maud. Handker- 
chief for Mrs. Reynolds. Knitting for Mrs. Ottaway. Let- 
ters for Maud to give Mrs. Ashton and Dr. Jordan. 



STAGE DIAGRAMS. 
Acts I and II. 

1 Door I 1 I V 

Q Davenport Fire-place \ 

^ Chal'p"^ |) l| Small Table A. 

Door Door 

7" Morris Chair] — | 

/ l—T Rocking Rocking _-| Foot Stool □ 

/ -^-^ Chair Chair J_L 



Act III. 

Door into 
H Hall H 



I I Desk with Telephone Mirro r /CI}\ 

DChair ChairD 

Book case Chair □ 

Chair U 



Door into 
Private Office □ g^fa 



Table 



Chair D 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center ; 
L., left, etc. ; R. D., right door ; L. D., left door, etc. ; D. F., 
door in flat or scene running across the back of the stage; 
up-stage, away from footlights, down-stage, near footlights. 
The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND 



Scene: Mrs. Newmann's living room. Entrances C. 
in F., R. and L. Fireplace witJi mantel L. of D. F. The 
room is comfortably furnished zvith several easy chairs 
about. Small table C. upstage. See Scene Plot for stage 
setting. 

At rise of curtain, Mrs. Newmann is discovered stand- 
ing in the center of the room, zveeping. 

Mrs. Newmann. And he went — (sobs) — he went — he 
went away to be gone a whole week long. And he only — 
kissed me — five times! I am sure it was just five, for I 
counted very carefully — once by the table ; twice by the 
stove — that makes three times ; onc^ by the lounge — four ; 
and once by the door! Just five little times. Oh, dear! Oh, 
dear! To think it should come to this so soon! (Throzvs 
self on lounge and zveeps.) 

Enter Belle, L. 

Belle. If yo' done please. Missus Newmann — 

Mrs. N. (not hearing). Only six months married! And 
this is the way I am treated! 

Belle. Yas, Missus! 

Mrs. N. And I waved my handkerchief at him, and 
threw kisses to him, just as far as I could see him, too! 
But he only looked back three times, and then started on 
a run for his car! 

Belle (aside). Jes' like dat no-'count Sambo! (Aloud.) 
It suah am a shame, honey. 

Mrs. N. I'll never marry a traveling man again — 
never, never, never! 

Belle. I wouldn't neidah, Missus, I'se done tellin' yo' — 

Mrs. N. (suddenly discovers Belle's presence and 
jumps up excitedly). Belle! You here! 

7 



8 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Belle. I — I — I suah done t'inks I is, Missus. (Fright- 
ened.) 

Mrs. N. (sternly). Where did you come from? 

Belle. Why, I done t'inks I comed out from de kitch- 
eny, Missus. 

Mrs. N. When? 

Belle. Why, why, why — jes' afore yo' done commenced 
dat are speechifying. Missus. 

Mrs N. Why? 

Belle (tries to think). Why? Why? Why I done comed, 
yo' mean. Missus? 

Mrs. N. Yes— why? 

Belle. Why — why — I'se jes' done wanter be axin' yo' 
what was yo' gwine hab fo' dinnah? 

Mrs. N. (tragically). Dinner? Dinner? Ask me not of 
food ! Talk to me not of such insignificant things ! How 
can I ever think of eating when my heart is broken? 

Belle (hesitates, afraid to speak, then says). But didn't 
yo' done tell me. Missus, dat yo' sister, dat are swelled-up 
lady from Boston — 

Mrs. N. Henrietta ! And today is Monday, isn't it ? 
And she will surely get here on the noon train. How could 
I have forgotten? And how can I bear to have her see 
that my heart is broken, and my life is wrecked — wrecked! 
Oh, George! George! That this should be tlie bitter end 
of all our happiness ! ( Throws self on lounge again.) 

Belle. But, Missus — 

Mrs. N. Yes, Belle, anything! I don't care what you 
have, if you only don't ask me to eat! (Loud pounding 
on door. She jumps up.) W^ho can that be? 

Enter Bridget zvith air of importance. 

Bridget. If you please, mum — 

Mrs. N. Why, Bridget, what— 

Bridget. Mrs. O'Flanagan, if you plaze, mum. Sure 
an' it's me darlint Pat as objects to sech familiarities-like 
wid his Biddy. 

Mrs. N. But why are you here? 

Bridget. Here, is it? And ain't it mesilf as come to 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 9 

wash yez dirty clothes, mum? An' ain't it yersilf as said 
to me — 

Mrs. N. But this is Mou'day— 

Bridget. Sure an' it is that same, and it's right yez 
are about it, mum. 

Mrs. N. But I asked you to come on Wednesday. 

Bridget. Wednesday, is it? But, sure, now, an' it's a 
dale aiser fer me to be after comin' today, mum. And it's 
here I be — wid me two arms stripped to the shoulder. 
(Rolls up sleeves while speaking.) 

Mrs. N. But — but — you see — (begins boldly, but 
Bridget takes a step or two toward her and looks so threat- 
ening with her sleeves up that she quails and turns to 
Belle.) What do you say, Belle? Can we possibly have 
the washing done today? 

Bridget (turns to Belle, threateningly). Och, sure, 
mum, and is it the loikes of that black hathen nigger as 
can tell Bridget O'Flanagan whether she can be after wash- 
ing or not? Let her keep her nose out o' me business, the 
dirthy spalpeen ! And bad 'cess to her ! 

Belle. Oh, yo' go long! Yo' jes' ain't done gwine to 
do no splashin' 'round dis heah day, and' me wid me two 
hands busy wid cookin' all de swell dope fo' de quality 
chillen ! Dis heah chile doan stan' fo' no sech doin's, nohow ! 

Bridget (threatening Belle). And is it mesilf as has 
to— 

Belle (facing her defiantly). Dis chile doan stan' fo' 
it, nohow ! 

Mrs. N. (steps between them, timidly). You see how 
it is, Bridget — I mean Mrs. O'Flanagan. My sister and 
her daughter are coming from Boston today. And it makes 
so much for Belle to do that we really cannot possibly have 
the washing around. Besides, I — I — I myself am — am — 
half sick — and — (sobs.) 

Bridget. The blessed saints presarve me! What do^ 
yez know about the loikes o' that, jist? Here I come, a 
poor, hard-working woman, as ivery body knows that 
same, out o' the goodness o' me own heart, to do yez dirthy 
work for yez, and what do I get? Not iver so much as 



10 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

a pleasant word, at all, at all ! Yez slams the door in me 
face, yez spalpeen, and I — I — how be I iver goin' to buy 
me Patsy the corn bafe and cabbage he nades for his 
stomach's sake ! It's so dainty the poor b'ye is wid his 
aitin', snre an' it is that, and no work at all at all for poor 
Bridget O'Flanagan this day^and her wid two hands 
loike these ! (Stretches hands out, then covers face and 
drops into big chair, crying.) 

Mrs. N. ^Oh, dearl Oh, dear! Whatever shall I do 
with her? 

Belle. Send her stwaight home to her dainty Pat, 
Missus ; dat's what yo' done bettah do wid a cwazy Irish 
like her. 

Mrs. N. No, no! Not that! I know how it feels to 
have your heart broken. Belle. 

Belle. She am not losin' any tears to hurt her any, 
Missus. 

Mrs. N. I shall not have any hand in breaking hers. 

Belle. Her tears? 

Mrs. N. Her heart! 

Belle. What am yo' done gwine to do, den? 

Mrs. N. (after hesitating, looking at Belle, timidly). 
Let her wash! 

Belle. Let her wash? (Mrs. ^. nods.) Wash? (Mrs. 
N. nods.) But, Missus, dare am de dinnah — 

Mrs. N. I know, Belle, but — 

Belle. And dare am dat lady — dat swelled-up lady 
from Boston — 

Mrs. N. Henrietta? Yes, Belle, I know, but— 

Belle. And dare am all de fixin's an' de findings! An 
yo' ain't done forgitted all 'bout yo' bwoken heart, am yo', 
missus ? 

Mrs. N. (clasps hands at heart). Oh, no, no. Belle! 
But— 

Belle. Den yo' done mean it. Missus? (Mrs. N. nods.) 
Dat cwazy Irish can wash? (Mrs. N. nods.) Today? 
(Mrs. N. nods.) Den — oh, deah ! Oh, deah ! Use gwine to 
hab broken heart, too! (Sinks into another chair, crying.) 
Wow ! wow ! wow ! 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 11 

Mrs. N. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Whatever shall I do witi 
her? (Considers.) Send Bridget — Mrs. O'Flanagan— 
home ? 

Bridget (tmiling). Oh! oh! oh! 

Mrs. N. No, I can't do that! She needs the money. 
I-7— r — go to your washing, Mrs. O'Flanagan. 

Belle. Wow ! wow ! wow ! ( Bridget exits triumph- 
antly.) 

Mrs. N. Belle, listen! 

Belle. Wow ! wow ! wow ! 

Mrs. N. You know that pink silk waist of mine you 
have always admired so much? 

Belle (looks up quickly, rubbing eyes). Yes'm. 

Mrs. N.. I'm — I'm — I'm just going to give you that 
waist tonight. 

Belle (jumping up). Yo' done mean dat one wid de 
pearl buttons' an' de yards an' yards an' yards o' ice cream 
lace? 

Mrs. N. Yes; that's the one. 

Belle. De good Lawd bless yo', honey. Dat am mighty 
good o' yo'. I'se gwine to get yo' a mighty fine dinnah, I 
is. (Aside, as Mrs, N. walks toward the lounge.) I can 
jes' 'bout use it fo' a pair o' cuffs an' a collah — maybe a 
front to Sambo's vest. 

Mrs. N. Of course you are. Belle. I knew you were. 
You always get such lovely dinners. And now — (BcU 
rings.) There! (Exits Belle to a}:s^ver door.) Can that 
be Henrietta already? (Clock strikes ten and she counts 
aloud.) No, surely not. It's only ten! (Walks to mirror 
and begins to fuss tmth hair, powder puff, etc.) Who can it 
be? I hope it's no agent. I don't like agents — except pic- 
ture agents. They always say such nice things about one's 
looks that they are quite agreeable. Really. 

Belle enters. 

BeCLe. Heah am Mrs. Reynolds, Missus. 
]\Trs. N. (in an irritated tone). Mrs. Reynolds! Dear 
me ! She's alwavs here. I don't want — 



Mrs. 


N. 


etc.) 




Mrs. 


R. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


R. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


R. 



12 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Enter Mrs. Revnold.s-. Exit Belle. Mrs. N.'s tone 
changes instantly to one of honey and molasses. 

Mrs. N. Oh, how are you, dear? So sweet of you to 
run over this morning. I was just wishing you'd come. 
I've not seen you for such a long time. Why haven't you 
been over? 

Mrs. Reynolds. Oh, I'm very busy — shopping most of 
the time. Such bargains nowadays in all the stores. It's 
positively alluring. Besides, your husband is — why, Blanche 
Newmann you've been crying. 

Have I? (Hides face, turns, arranges cushions, 

Yes, you have. What's the matter? 
(still busy). Why, nothing. 
Nothing ? 

Oh, well — not much. 
(eyes her silently a moment, then tarns azvay). 
Humph! (Goes to mirror, begins to retnove hat, to fix 
hair, etc.) Oh, well. If you don't want to tell. But I 
didn't think you'd ever have any secrets from me. 

Mrs. N. (still busy). Haven't. (Pause. They eye each 
other over shoulder — Mrs. R. suspiciously — Mrs. N. guilt- 
ily.) Oh, say, did you know I was expecting my sister 
today ? 

Mrs. R. (surprised). What! Mrs. Ashton? (Turns 
around to face Mrs. N.) 

Mrs. N. (proudly). Yes, from Boston. So you'll excuse 
me if I keep busy, won't you? (Returns to zvork.) 

Mrs. R. Oh, certainly. (Returns to mirror, speaking 
aside.) Wonder if that's what's ailing her. I don't think 
it would make me cry to see my sister. (Pause, consider- 
ing the matter. Then aloud.) Where's Mr. Newmann? 

Mrs. N. George? Oh, he — he^ie — he's gone to Chi- 
cago. 

Mrs. R. (aside). I see. That's where the shoe pinches. 
Enter big sister — exit husband. (Aloud.) Gone long? 

Mrs. N. (pounds cushion 7'iciously). A week. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 13 

Mrs. R. Humph ! How long does Mrs. Ashton stay 
with you? 

Mrs. N. a week. 

Mrs. R. {significantly). I see. Too bad Mr. Newmann 
couldn't have been here to see her. 

Mrs. N. Y-e-s. He w^as sorry. 

Mrs. R. (drily). I suppose so. 

Mrs. N. He was. He said so. (Pause.) You'll coma 
over to tea this afternoon, won't you? I am asking all my 
friends in to meet her. I want you all to like her. You'll 
come ? 

Mrs. R. Of course. Any children? 

Mrs. N. One. A sixteen-year-old girl. 

Mrs. R. I see. (Aside.) Bet Mr. Newmann doesn't 
feel very crazy about sixteen-year-old girls. (Aloud.) 
I'll be sure to call early, dear, but I must hurry row. (Be- 
gins to replace hat.) There's a big sale on at Workman 
& King's now. All those lovely twenty-dollar suits are go- 
ing this week for only nineteen dollars ninety-eight and'^a 
half cents. Isn't it splendid? If William would only let 
me have one. (Starts L. Turns.) Is my hat on straight? 

Mrs. N. Beautifully. But don't hurry. 

Mrs. R. Must. {Turns again to mirror.) Do I look 
all right j^ 

Mrs. N. Lovely. Do come over, dear. 

Mrs. R. Sure. Do wipe your eyes, Mrs. Newmann, 
and put a little powder on your nose. It always looks so 
red after you've had a bawling spell. Good-bye. (Exits.) 

Mrs. N. (at mirror.) A bawling spell? Humph! Do I 
look as bad as that? (Dabs nose with powder, etc.) Almost 
time for train, too. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What does it 
matter how a woman looks when her heart is broken? I 
do so hope Henrietta won't guess. (Busy at glass.) 

Enter Mrs. Ashton and Maud. Maud runs to Mrs. 

Newmann. 

Mrs. Ashton. Oh, here you are, Blanche. I expected 
you to be. at the train. .\re you ill? (Looks her over crit- 
ically.) 



14 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Mrs. N. No; I— I— I had a caller. 

Mrs. a. In the morning? What barbarous manners! 
Maud, don't you be so boisterous. It's not becoming. 

Maud (clinging to Mrs. N.). But I am so tickled to see 
Auntie Blanche again. Ain't it just dandy ? And don't she 
look stunning? 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Maud ! How many times must I tell 
you — 

Maud. Not another time, mamma. I'll be good. 

Mrs. a. That's my angel child. The blessed girl has 
such lively spirits, Blanche. Children are so full of mis- 
chief. And Maud will always be my baby, you know. 

Mrs. N. How she has grown ! 

Mrs. a. (removing hat at mirror). Grown? Oh, you 
don't really think so, do you, Blanche? I wouldn't have 
her grow up for worlds. 

Mrs. N. But she's old enough for longer dresses, surely. 
Why, when I was her age — 

Maud (takes off hat, throzvs it on floor). That's what 
I say. Auntie. I'm sick of doing the kid act. But mamma's 
afraid if I get into the swim like other girls, folks '11 begin 
to take her for an old woman, and of course she couldn't 
stand for that. Get me? 

Mrs. a. Maud! Maud! (Turns from mirror and picks 
up Maud's hat. ) Do be still. How children do run on ! 
If people didn't know her originally quaint way of saying 
things, they might almost wonder if there wasn't some 
truth in it all. (Sits, while Maud looks at things in room.) 
But, Blanche, you certainly don't look well. XAHiat is wrong ? 

Mrs. N. Nothing. (Sinks in lounge, looking down dis- 
consolately.) 

Mrs. a. You look so thin and pale, and — yes, you've 
been weeping. 

Mrs. N. (faintly). Weeping? 

Maud. She means crying, Aunt Blanche. Vv'eeping's 
Bostonese. Have you been? 

Mrs. N. Why, of course not. Why should I? 

Mrs. a. Blanche! 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 15 

Maud. That's just the way she speaks to me. You'd 
better own up. 

Mrs. N. Well — not much. 

Mrs. a. (after pause, looking critically at Mrs. N.). It's 
George Newmann ; that's what it is ! I just knew no good 
could ever come of — Maud, my darling. 

Maud. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. a. You run out doors and look at the garden, and 
flowers — and — and — and — things. I want to talk to your 
aunt. 

Maud (pouting). So do I. 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud. Don't want to go into the garden. You always 
send me away when you're going to talk about something 
interesting. I can see flowers at home and beautiful gar- 
dens in the parks and places. Want to hear about Uncle 
George. 

Mrs. a. (rising). Maud! 

Maud (meekly). Yes, mamma. (Exits, looking back 
and listening, until Mrs. A. looks at her sternly over shoul- 
der, then slips out frightened.) 

Mrs. N. (nervous, ivondering zvhat is coming). Don't 
send the poor child out, Henrietta. 

Mrs. a. But I want to talk to you. I want to hear all 
there is to tell. 

Mrs. N. But there isn't anything to tell. 

Mrs. a. Blanche ! 

Mrs. N. Well — er — not much. 

Mrs. a. You might as well tell me, Blanche, without 
any beating around the bush, for I'm sure to find out 
sooner or later. It's George, now, isn't it? 

Mrs. N. Why, I — I — I'm not very well. 

Mrs. a. (looking at her resolutely, speaking zvith de- 
cision). It's George, now, isn't it? 

Mrs. N. (after hesitatimj, looking; at Mrs. A. guiltily). 
Yes. ^ ^ • 

Mrs. a. I knew it. When a woman weeps, it's always 
a man — a mere insignificant bit of a man ! Now, Blanche, 
vou know that I am a woman of vast experience, and I 



16 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. • 

am convinced that when ''Votes for Women" carry the 
nation — • 

Mrs. N. Carrie Nation! 

Mrs. a. No, no ! When they have proven victorious in 
the campaign for equal rights and sufferance to all — 

Mrs. N. Equal suffering f Oh, dear! Oh, dear! 

Mrs. a. Then there will be no more weeping wives, no 
more broken and bleeding feminine hearts, no more deso- 
late and deserted hearthstones. 

Mrs. N. (sobs). O — o — oh! 

Mrs. a. Blanche, my poor, dear stricken sister, I have 
come to save you. 

Mrs. N. (mystified). To save — 

Mrs. a. Yes, to save you. You shall not live with that 
heartless wretch of a man another day. 

Mrs. N. Oh, but I must ! (Jumps up.) 

Mrs. a. (jumps up). Oh, but you mustn't! (They face 
each other.) 

Mrs. N. (overcome by her sisters force, sinks back). 
But I just couldn't live without George! 

Mrs. a. (sits with determination) . But you just can't 
live with George ! 

Mrs. N. Why, George is the very best man in all the 
world ! 

That's saying nothing for either the man or 

But, Henrietta — 
Listen to me. 
I'm listening. 
You must leave him! 
Never ! Why, he'd die- 
Well, that would do him good, I'm sure. 
And so would I ! 
A most unreasonable step for you to take, I 

And there's lots of excuse for George. You 
know he lost both his parents when he was a child. 

Mrs. A. Both of them? (M^s,.^ . nods.) How careless! 



Mrs. 


A. 


the world. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


A. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


A. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


A. 


Mrs. 


N. 


Mrs. 


a: 


declare. 




Mrs. 


N. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 17 

Mrs. N. It's my duty to stay with him. Why, 1 — I — 
I've got him to bring up. 

Mrs. a. Then you must assert yourself. Don't be a 
footstool to hold his feet — a mere dog to fetch and carry — 
a mere baby doll to do his bidding. Be a woman — a real, 
Hve woman. Be a Suffragette. 

Mrs. N. George hates Suffragettes. 

Mrs. a. Of course. The creatures all do. It's the man 
of it. Bring him to time. Make him over. Make him 
love Suffragettes! 

Bridget enters hastily. 

Bridget. Och, sure, now, Mrs. Newmann, mum ! 

Mrs. a. (rising and facing Bridget, staring at her 
tJirough glasses). And who is this? 

Bridget (imitates her). And who is this? 

Mrs. a. The audacity! 

Bridget. And the gall o' hersilf ! 

Mrs. N. (nervously interposing). What is it, Mrs. 
O'Flanagan? 

Bridget. Oi jist want to say to yez, mum, as how Oi 
can't be afther a-doin' my washin' wid dat great big strap- 
pin' girl in de kitchen, stuck, a-botherin' the very sowl out 
o' misilf, jist. 

Mrs. a. (horrified). Maud! 

Bridget. Sure an' she didn't be afther a-telliri' me her 
name, mum, but — 

Mrs. a. What is she doing? The poor little thing was 
lonely and needed something to amuse herself with. 

Bridget. Sure, an' it's mesilf as set her a-turnin' the 
wringer. I guess that'll be afther a-holdin' her for awhile, 
jist. 

Mrs. a. Maud! Aland! My little Maud turning the 
wringer! Why, she never did such a thing in all her life! 

Bridget. Then it's sure hoigh toime she was afther get- 
ting hersilf broke in. Now, my Pat, he — 

Mrs. a. Pat? Pat, did you say? 

Bridget. Sure, Pat! Pat, I did say. 

Mrs. a. And wb.o — 



18 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Bridget. He's me own man, mum, is Pat; if so be the 
loikes o' yer foine silf hasn't any objections! 

Mrs. a. a man ? A man ? A hve man of your own ! 
And you are washing"? 

Bridget. Sure, an' I'm afther a-tryin' to. But if that 
girl— 

Mrs. a. And what does your beautiful man do, if I 
may ask? 

Bridget. Sure, an' the loikes o' himsilf will be afther 
restin' now, mum. It's about toime for his mornin' shmoke, 
so it is, the darlint ! 

Mrs. a. Poor, downtrodden soul! (Pats her shoulder.) 
Cheer up ! I have come to save you ! 

Bridget. Save me? Me, is it? Me? 

Mrs. a. Yes, even you! {Turns to Mrs. N.) Blanche, 
dear, we must not bar anybody out from the beautiful op- 
portunity of freedom. We must be democratic. 

Bridget. Sure an' it's not mesilf as will be a democrat. 
Me Pat's a republican, mum. 

Mrs. a. {not heeding). Yes, we must be universal. We 
must shout to the soul of every woman and every girl in 
all the world the glad gospel cry of ''Votes for Women!" 

Bridget. Sure, an' I'm not — 

Mrs, a. Sit down and listen to me. 

Bridget. Why, mum, Oi — 

Mrs. a. Sit down ! 

Bridget {looking at Mrs. A. uneasily). But it's mesilf 
as — 

Mrs. a. {'Z'ery sternly, motioning peremptorily to chair). 
Sit down ! 

Bridget {dropping info chair). Och, sure, mum; it's 
niver the loikes o' — • 

Mrs. a. Everywhere I go I can hear — 

Maud {outside). Mamma! Mamma! 

Mrs. a. {startled). Maud! 

Maud {runs in, pursued by Belle). Mamma! Mamma! 

Belle. Git yo'self right out o' heah ! I done tells yo' I 
doan Stan' fo' no sech goings on, nohow! (Maud runs to 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 19 

Mrs. a., who embraces and consoles her. Mrs. N. inter- 
feres. ) 

Mrs. N. Belle! Belle! What is the meaning of this? 
Belle. Dat kid she done boddah dis chile so dat she put 
a cup o' salt in her company cake, and a cup o' sugah in 
her stewed peas. Tse gwine to make her eat up every 
scwap. It am suah bad 'nough to hab dat Sambo man o' 
mine hang 'round when he am not busy, but to hab dat white 
limb o' Satan breakin' my eggs and lickin' out my cake tins— 
(shakes fist at her.) 

Mrs. a. Sambo? Sambo, did you say? 

Belle. Yes'm, Sambo. Dat coon am suah de laziest, 
good-fo'-nothingest piece ob black twash as eber yo' done 
look at, missus. He am suah — 

Mrs. a. (pats her shoulder). Ah, poor soul! And you 
work for him? 

Belle. Work fo' him? Why, he am my man, dat coon 
am. I work fo' her. (Points to Mrs. N.) 

Mrs. a. And what do you do with your wages? 

Belle. Suah, now, it done am Sambo dat takes keer 
ob dem, missus. Doan I jes' done slave my ten fingahs to 
de bone to keep dat are lazy-bones in good tobacco? 

Mrs. a. Do you hear, Blanche? Do you hear? Surely, 
I have a mission to this poor enslaved household ! We must 
not even draw a color line. All women are sisters in bond- 
age to the inferior sex. Poor soul! I have come to save 
you ! 

Belle. Oh, I'se been saved, missus. I'se a good Mefo- 
dist, I is. Got religion free, fo', five times already. How 
comes yo' want to save dis hear chile? Save me— from 
what ? 

Mrs. a. From Sambo! 

Belle. But dis chile doau know as — 

Mrs. a. Sit down and let me explain. 

Belle. But I — 

Mrs. a. Sit down! 

Belle. But my dinnah — 

Mrs. a. Never mind your dinner. What would it profit 



20 CLURP.TNG A HUSBAND. 

you if you gained a whole cafeteria, and lost your own 
soul ? Sit down ! 

Belle. But my missus will — 

Mrs. a. Never mind your mistress. Leave her to me. 
Sit down! (Belle hesitates, but Mrs. A. motions her per- 
emptorily, and she sits.) I have come all the way from Bos- 
ton to save you from the terrible curse of slavery. 

Belle (jumps up). But Abe Lincoln, he done — 

Mrs. a. I've heard of him. But there's Sambo — (bell 
rings. Belle starts as to answer it.) Sit down! (She sits.) 

Maud (looking out ivindozv). Somebody's at the door, 
you folks. An ugly old maid with a grip and an umbrella. 
Looks like Noah's sister Sue. And — 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Maud ! 

Mrs. N. It sounds like Dr. Jordan, Maud. Go bring 
her in. 

Maud. Just as you say, Aunt Blanche. Not that I care 
to see her. (Exits.) 

Mrs. a. a lady doctor, did you say, Blanche? 

Mrs. N. Yes, a dear soul. Not much for looks, but a 
splendid woman for all that. 

Mrs. a. How refreshing! (Belle rises.) Sit down! 
(Belle sits, frightened.) 

Bridget (rising). My clothes will be afther bilin' over. 

Mrs. a. Sit down! (Bridget sits.) 

Re-enters Maud, leading Dr. Jordan by one end of um- 
brella. 

Maud. Here she is, Aunt Blanche. I brought her. 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Maud ! 

Mrs. N. Come right in, Doctor. I am so glad to see 
you, and have you meet my sister, Mrs. Ashton — from Bos- 
ton, you know. This is Dr. Georgiana Jordan, Henrietta. 

Mrs. a. I am so glad to meet you. Dr. Jordan. It is 
such a joy to meet a really emancipated female in these 
days of woman's slavery. (Shakes hands.) 

Dr. Jordan. I heard you had come. I w^anted to see 
you. I understand you are a very busy reformer. 

Mrs. a. Yes. ves, indeed. Sit down while I just ex- 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 21 

plain to these two women how I have come to save them. 
(Dr. T. sits.) I find things here in a most deplorable state. 
1 find my sister in grief and anguish and tears, bewailing 
the cruelty of her husband — 

Dr. J. i horrified). What? 

Mrs^ N. Oh, Henrietta, don't— 

Mrs. a. Don't interrupt, Blanche. Sit down! After 
only six months of married life. Dr. Jordan, I find her 
abused, mistreated, neglected — 

Dr. J. Terrible! 

Mrs. a. And 1 find with her this poor washerwoman — 

Bridget. Wash-lady, mum; if yez plaze, mum. 

Mrs. a. Supporting a worthless, good-for-nothing 
Mike— 

Bridget. Pat, if yez plaze, mum. 

Mrs. a. And working herself to a mere skeleton of 
skin and bones to keep him at his ease, drawing the breath 
of free life. 

Bridget (suddenly realizes. zvJiat she has been suffering, 
begins to whimper). Sure, now, an' me life is a hard one, 
it is that same. It's not mesilf as iver thought afore how 
miserable I was. 

Mrs. a. And I find this cook, too, working her fingers 
and feet to the bone to keep a lazy, ten-for-a-cent 'Rastus — 

Belle. He am Sambo, missus. 

Mrs. a. Yes, yes ; what you like. Sambo or 'Rastus, 
it's all the same — 

Belle. Oh, no, missus ; it suah am not. Dat are 'Ras- 
tus, he am long an' slim an' spindle-like, while my Sambo 
am as big an' fat — an' he am berry, berry jealous ob dat 
niggah 'Rastus, too. Pie done say he gwine — 

Mrs. a. Yes, yes ; of course. But the principle — or 
lack of principle's the same in all men, white or black. 
Xow, I have come to strike ofif their chains — to bring the 
word of freedom to all the suffering spirits in this little 
city — to wave the banner of "Votes for Wopnen" so high 
in the air that every woman will grasp the full glory of its 
meaning, and stand forth in that freedom whereunto slie 
was born. 



22 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Dr. J. Glorious! (Rises and grasps Mrs. A.'s hand.) 
I have longed for such a congenial spirit for years and 
years and years ! 

Maud. About seventy of 'em, I'll bet a cooky. 

Mrs. a. Maud! Maud! Don't mind her, Doctor. You 
know a child always says just what she thinks. 

Mrs. N. But Henrietta. 

Mrs. a. Yes, Blanche. 

Mrs. N. Just what do you propose to do? 

Mrs. a. I am going to show^ you — every woman of you 
— how to get the upper hand of that husband of yours. 

Dr. J. Good ! Good ! Oh, if I had been cursed with one 
of the creatures — (looks unutterable tilings). 

Mrs. N. But how? 

Mrs. a. I am going to help you clulj him. 

All (amazed). Club him! 

Belle. I'se done twied de sof end ob de mop. 

Bridget. And sure, now, it's niver boiling soup, nor 
ice-cold water as gits a move on me Pat at all, at all. Bad 
'cess to him ! 

Mrs. .\. But the office of the club — the Woman's Inde- 
pendent Club — (insert name of your ozvn club if pre- 
ferred) — shall be more subtle and far reaching than any 
mere material means — even the mop, the hot soup, or the 
ice water. It builds deep in the soul of every woman. It 
strikes hard at the heart of every man ! 

Bridget. But, begorra, an' it's not me Pat as has much 
of a heart in the inside o' him or the outside o' him at all, 
at all. 

Dr. J. No, indeed. Nor has any other man. 

Belle. An' dar don't seem no soul — 

Mrs. N. Henrietta, tell me what you mean by this. 

Mrs. a. Just what I say — a club — the woman's only 
weapon. An emancipation proclamation — a declaration of 
independence — an assertion of the Self that lives in every 
human woman. Tell all your friends and neighbors, and 
all their friends and neighbors, that I — even I — have come 
to save them ! 

Dr. J. (shaking hands with her enthusiastically) . And I 



CLLTBRING A HUSBAND. 23 

am with you. Ah, 'I have longed for such a movement as 
this for years and years and years ! 

Mrs. a. Indeed, this is gratifying. Dr. Jordan — ex- 
tremely gratifying. I know, and you know, and all the rest 
of these poor creatures must be taught to know, that the 
club of today is the only weapon — the sole means of pro- 
tection — the last resort for women whose hearts are 
broken — 

Mrs. N. Ah! My heart! How could she guess? How 
did she know? 

Mrs. a. Whose souls are crippled — who have been 
bound beneath the heel of the tyrant Man, until they have 
utterly forgotten that they were ever intended to be indi- 
viduals ! The club's the thing ! 

Dr. J. They used bombs in England ! 

Mrs. a. But they've not come into fashion yet in 
America. We are true American women, following in the 
footsteps of the glorious old Indian, with his ever ready 
tomahawk — so the club will do for us awhile yet. If it 
doesn't avail, of course — we'll follow the English style of 
procedure. But it will work ; I am sure of it. You shall 
all be no more slaves — but women ! 

Belle (jumping up). My dinnah ! 

Bridget {jumping up). And me clothes in the biler! 

Mrs. a. {dramatically). Slaves? Never! Go, cook! Go, 
wash-lady ! But come in this afternoon and I will speak the 
word of that glad gospel that shall set you free! {Exeunt 
Belle and Bridget.) Now, Doctor, — Blanche — {sees 
Maud on the sofa and speaks to her). Maud! 

Maud. Yes, mamma! 

Mrs. a. Run out and play now. Your aunt and I want 
to talk things over with the Doctor. 

Maud. Yes, mamma. (Maud starts out and ladies sit 
in cosy circle for private chat.) 

Curtain. 



24 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Act II. 

Scene: Same as Act I. Maud is alone, seated in a big 
chair, looking at a hook. 

Maud. Aunt Blanche doesn't seem to have much of 
anything decent to read. I Hke exciting things — cowboys 
and Indians, and tiger hunts, and all that. Wish mamma 
would let me read novels like the other girls, but — dear 
me ! It's no use ! I don't dare grow up, or even think up ! 
She'll club me, too. 

Mrs. a. {off stage). Maud! Maud! 

Maud. There it goes ! Yes, mamma ! 

Enter Mrs. A. 

Mrs. a. Oh, there you are! (Looks around suspi- 
ciously.) Who were you talking to? 

Maud. Nobody ! 

Mrs. a. Nobody? 

Maud. Just myself ! 

Mrs. a. Same thing ! 

Maud. Oh, I know that, all right! If ever I get mar- 
ried, and have girls of my own, won't I make them pay 
for this? I'll keep them in bibs and aprons till they're 
twenty-one ! 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Maud ! 

Maud. And I'll name every last one of 'em *'Maud," 
and I'll just holler ''Maud! Maud!" at them the whole 
blessed time ! 

Mrs. a. Well, run along out and play. I've got to plan 
for the tea party this afternoon. 

Maud. But, mamma — 

Mrs. a. Run along, I say ! 

Maud. Fudge ! (Exits.- Runs into Mrs. N., who is en- 
tering.) Excuse me. Auntie. I lost my head. Was just 
on the way to hunt for it. (Exits.) 

Mrs. N. Poor child ! She seems lonely with no girls 
of her age to play with. All the girls around here think 
they are quite young ladies at sixteen, and wouldn't know 
what'to make of a girl like Maud. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 25 

Mrs. a. Maud shall never grow up — never ! Come and 
sit down, Blanche, and let us consider the best way of in- 
troducing the idea of the club to your ladies this afternoon. 

]\Irs. N. Do you really think they will want to join, 
Henrietta ? 

Mrs. a. Want to join? \Miy, they'll be crazy to join,' 
every last woman of them. A normal woman will grasp at 
the very weakest straw to pull her any closer to emanci- 
pation. Belle enters, dusts room, listens. 

Mrs. N. (sits). Emancipation? I'm not sure I quite un- 
derstand it all yet. George says — 

Maud quietly re-enters and listens. 

Mrs. a. George! George! Always George! What does 
it matter \yhat George says? The main thing is, what do 
yon say? 

Mrs. N. Why, I say — I say — why, I always say just 
whatever George says. 

Mrs. a. That's it! That's just the way with nine- 
tenths of the women in this world They don't dare to 
speak — or even think — for themselves. They must ask 
some insignificant Tom, Dick or Harry the very words 
th^y shall say. It's pitiful. You must brace up, Blanche, 
and dare to be Blanche Newmann — not a poor, weak, blot- 
ted copy of Georg'e ! And only six months married, too. 
(Sighs.) What will it be like in six years? 

Mrs. N. Maybe I'll be emancipated- then. 

Mrs. a. Some consolation in the hope that you may be. 
But — (sighs, shakes head). 

Maud. When I get married. I'm going to wear the 
pants ! 

Mrs. N. Maud! 

Maud. Well, didn't you say so? 

Mrs. a. Little girls should be seen and not heard. 

Maud. I wasn't heard — I wasn't even seen. I was back 
of the lounge. But I heard. So did Belle. 

Belle. Does yo' done tink. Missus, as how I bettah tell 
Sambo 'bolit dat are club thing ? 

Mrs. a. Whv should vou? 



26 CLUBBTXG A HUSBAND. 

Belle. Well, now, yo' see, maybe he won't let me — 

Mrs. a. Let you? Let you? Do you mean to tell me 
that you would let a lazy, good-for-nothing negro tell you 
what you could do, and what you couldn't do? 

Belle (frightened). Why, no, Missus; I don't mean to 
tell yo' nuffin' 'bout dat — nuffin' 'bout dat at all. 

Maud (pats Belle on back). Good for you. Belle. Me 
'n you know enough to keep our mouths shut, don't we, 
old girl ? 

Belle (angrily). Old gal ! Humph! Yo' done bettah. git 
along outen heah, now, an' 'tend to yo' own business. 

Maud. My business is just like mamma's — to keep 
everything stirred up. 

Belle. With a club? 

Maud. No. My tongue's enough. 

Belle. Humph! Should say so. (Bell rings.) 

Mrs. N. Show the ladies right in here. Belle, as fast 
as they come. 

Belle. Yes'm. (Exits.) 

Mrs. a. You'd better go out in the yard, Maud. 

Maud. Don't want to. 

Mrs. a. But I want you to. 

Maud. We never can agree. 

Mrs. a. (rises). Maud! 

Maud (dodging). Oh, I'm going. Going — going — go- 
ing — going at thirty cents. But just you wait till Fm a 
woman. LU show you the time of your life to pay for this ! 
(Exits.) 

Mrs. a. The dear child has such a temper. Just like 
her father when he steps on a tack. 

Belle enters with Mrs. Ferris. Mrs. Ottaway on her 
arm, walking slozdy and care f idly. 

Belle. Heah am Mrs. Ferris and Mrs. Ottaway. (Exit 
Belle.) 

Mrs. N. Mrs. Ferris, meet my sister, Mrs. Ashton. 
And I am so glad you thought to come, too, Mrs. Ottaway. 

Mrs. Ferris. Yes, isn't it strange: Mother was just 
bound to come. She savs she hasn't seen anvbodv from 



CLUi!I'>!X:; .V ilUSHAXU. 27 

Boston in all her life. Aren't you well today, Mrs. New- 
man n ? 

jNIrs. N. Oh, yes— I'm all right. I— I— feel a little 
tired, I guess, or nervous, or — or — something like that. 
Do sit down in this easy chair, Mrs. Ottaway. (Helps her 
to chair.) 

Mrs. Ottaway. Thank you. I don't care much for 
these new-fangled tea parties myself. A quilting bee, or 
a sewing circle was always good enough for me. But my 
daughter, she does like to be in everything there is going 
on, so I just have to come along to keep her out of mis- 
chief. 

Mrs. a. (sitting by Iter). Yes, yes; our girls never get 
too old to need a mother, do they? My Httle girl always 
says — 

Maud (running in). Mamma! 

Mrs. a. Well, Maud, what is it? 

Maud. Somebody else is coming up the walk. Looks 
like that cross old teacher of mine at the East Side Gym. 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Dear me ! Our girls nowadays do have 
such a frank way of expressing themselves, haven't they? 
Run away, pet, and play by yourself till after the ladies go. 

Maud. Oh, yes. "Be a good girl! Run away and plav!" 
That's all I— 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud (meekly). Yes, mamma. (Exits. At door tuins. 
makes face.) 

Mrs. O. My! that's a big girl for such short dresses. 
How old is she? 

Mrs. a. Er — yes, Maud is rather large for her age. 
T'.ut she's all I have, you know, and we do like to keep them 
little as long as we can, don't we? 

Mrs. O. How old did you say she was? 

Mrs. F. (nervously). I do hope I didn't forget to put 
the cat outdoors before we came. Do you think I did, 
mother? Henry would scold me if — 

Mrs. a. Henry? Scold? Surely, you don't mean that 
you would let any mere man — 

Mrs. O. I think pa will attend to it, Cora. He's very 



28 CLUF^BING A HUSBAND. 

handy about thinking of things. Where's my knitting? I 
must finish pa's stockings. (Kfiits.) 

Belle enters, follozved by Mrs. Whitney. 

Belle. Heah am Mrs. Whitney. (Exit Belle.) 

Mrs. a. (rises to meet her, with Mrs. N.). Ah! Mrs. 
Whitney. I met you when I was here before, didn't I ? 
We are not strangers. I remember that your husband — 

Mrs. Whitney. Don't mention him. 

Mrs. a. Why, what— 

Mrs. W. a new stenographer ! The third in two weeks. 
(Sits in desair.) 

Mrs. a. (holds up hands in horror). Terrible! 

Enter Dr. Jordan and Mrs. Hudson. 

Dr. J. We'll come right in. I stopped and brought Mrs. 
Hudson with me. I didn't want her to run any risk of 
failing to meet you, Mrs. Ashton. She's in desperate need 
of the stimulation of such positive natures as yours. 

Mrs. a. Hudson? Hudson? I've heard the name be- 
fore. 

Mrs. Hudson {timidly). I am Airs. Harry Hudson. 

Dr. J. No, no! Never say that! Your name isn't Harry. 
Be your ownself — not your husband's wife. If I were to 
get married, I'd be just what I am now — Dr. Georgiana 
Jordan. He could be Mr. Georgiana Jordan, if he wanted 
to. I'd never give up my name to any man- — for a worse one. 

Mrs. H. (timidly). Then — T guess— I am Mrs. Mary 
Hudson. (Bell rings.) 

Dr. J. That's better. You will find her easily convinced 
of the right, Mrs. Ashton. (They sit.) And I'm sure you 
will find Mrs. Ashton a real inspiration, Mary. Good after- 
noon, ladies. (All hozv and smile.) 

Belle enters with Mrs. Skylark. 

Belle. Mrs. Skylark, Missus. (Maud follozvs them 
in. Exit Belle. ) 

Mrs. N. Our musician, Henrietta. She can sing like 
a nightingale. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 29 

Maud. Why not like a skylark? 

Mrs a Maud ! (Stares at Maud sternly. Maud goes 
to speak but her mother outlooks her and she backs out.) 
I'm so glad to meet every one with such lofty aspirations 
as vours, Mrs, Skylark. . ., , 

Mrs Skylark (sighs). Once I had plenty of ideals, 
Mrs Ashton. I wanted to go on the stage-sjrand opera 
vou know. I am sure I would have made a wonderful 
'prima donna. I wanted to cultivate my voice to is very 
highest possibility. I wanted to be one of the sweetest 
singers of my time. But I-well. I got married. 
Mrs a. Just like a woman. 

Mrs. S. Yes, and that tells the whole ^tory. My hus- 
band does not like to have me smg. He will not et me 
oractice The neighbors all move. The babies all cry 
^he cats and dogs^fight. Oh. dear! Oh. dear! Oh. dear! 
(Sinks in chair, weeps.) . -r^ ,, 

Mrs a (MtinK her baek). There, there! Don t cry. 
. You shall' be an artress by and by. I have come to open 
the door of opportunity to you. poor, downtrodden woman ! 
T have come to speak the voice of freedom. You .Ml sing. 
You shallhave lour chance. You sl,all fi"^ y-'v'oriln 
the world, and fill it just as you choose. Then you will 
sing, sing, sing, all day and all night! 

All (looking at one another m dismay). Oh, dear. 

°Mrs.'n. (.mtching Mrs. O.). You always have your 

knitting', Mrs. Ottaway. , , • i h,> wnn't 

Mrs b. Mercy, yes. ^ Pa has to have his socks. He won t 

■ wear any unless I knit 'em. 

Mrs. a. Another chain of slavery ! 

Mrs. O. Chain where? ^ , , a r „f tl,<. 

Mrs. a. (points dramatieally) . Socks! A relic of the 

cave man. r . i 4-^7 

Mrs O. Have socks got out of style, too? 
Mrs. a. The knitting of thena has. 
Mrs. O. Well, pa cares more for comfort than for style. 

I reckon I'd better keep at it. 



30 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Mrs. N. Has anybody seen Mrs. Reynolds? She prom- 
ised to come early. 

Mrs. S. She started when I did, but I left her down 
on the street, chasing bargains, as usual. I couldn't pull 
her away from the shop windows. So I came ahead. 

Mrs. W'. Isn't her extravagance positively sinful? 

Mrs. F. I don't see how her husband stands it. 

Mrs. H. He has to. She's boss in that house. 

Mrs. N. And the worst gossip. I don't see how she 
hears so much about folks. 

Mrs. W. Makes it up, most likely. Horrid thing. 

Mrs. N. I wish she'd hurry along. 

Belle enters zvith Mrs. Reynolds, zuho is loaded zvith 
parcels, zvhicli she unloads and goes to mirror to ''fix up." 
They crozvd around her. 

Belle. Heah am Mrs. Reynolds. {Exit Belle.) 

Mrs. N. Speaking of the angels — 

Mrs. ^^^ Yes, we were wishing for you, dear. 

Mrs. N. I was so afraid you wouldn't meet my sister, 
and I just knew what a loss it would be to you both. 

Mrs. a. This is the lady you were just talking about, 
Blanche ? 

Mrs. N. Yes, my very dear friend. 

Mrs. a. The lady whose husband — 

Mrs. R. {turning from mirror). Don't mention him. I 
am very angry with him. 

All {in eager curiosity). Ah! 

Mrs. W. Nothing serious, I hope. 

Mrs. R. {tragically sinkino- into chair). Life and death! 

All. Oh, my! • 

Mrs. R. Just listen ! I asked him this morning at 
breakfast for a dollar — only a dollar, mind you — just a 
hundred teenty weenty cents ! I wanted to buy a few little 
things I saw on sale so cheap in this morning's Examiner. 
Well, what do you think he said? Simply this: "What did 
you do with the quarter I gave you to spend at that- sale, 
week before last?" 

Mrs. a. Miser! 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 31 

Mrs. W. Tyrant! 

Mrs. H. Bear ! 

Mrs. S. Brute! (Mrs. R. rises, returns to mirror, 
fusses with hair.) 

Mrs. O. But she's very extravagant, you all said. A 
woman should — 

Mrs. a. (decidedly). Have her own way, always! 

Mrs. O. Maybe so, maybe so. But my husband never 
seemed to think so. And neither did my mother nor any- 
body else when I was young. 

Mrs. a. Those were the 'dark ages, Mrs. Ottaway. A 
new era for women is dawning. 

Dr. J. Times have changed, you see. Happily, for us. 

Mrs. O. (knitting rapidly). Maybe so, maybe so. 

Mrs. R. (turning to face crowd). Do I look all right? 

Mrs. W. Charming! 

Dr. J. But too negative, my dear Mrs. Reynolds. Far 
too negative. Let me urge you to assert yourself. Be 
positive. 

Mrs. R. Lm positive I want money. (Returning to 
chair. ) 

Mrs. a. Be just as positive that you're going to have 
it. You'll get it. 

Mrs. O. I never did ! 

Mrs. W. Nor I ! It costs too much to hire stenogra- 
phers. 

Mrs. S. Fve always been positive I wasn't going to 
get it! 

Mrs. a. That's why you didn't. (To Mrs. N.) Is 
Mrs. O'Flanagan coming back ? 

Mrs*. N. Yes, she is here now to help Belle serve the 
tea. 

Mrs. a. And is everybody else here? 

Mrs. N. (lookincr over crowd and counting). I think so. 
Yes. (Calls.) Maud! 

Maud (off stage). Yes. Auntie! 

Mrs. N. Ask Belle and Mrs. O'Flanagan to come in a 
minute. • 

Maud. Me, too? (Sticking head in.) 



32 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Mrs. a. (emphatically). No! 

Maud. Poor me ! If 1 only had just one little husband to 
fix— 

Mrs. a. Maud ! 

Maud. Yes, mamma ! {Withdraivs as — ) 

Belle and Bridget enter. 

Belle. Am yo' done wantin' us. Missus? 

Bridget. An' is it mesilf as yez — 

Mrs. N. {uneasily, looking at ladies, who stare in ama.ze- 
men). Yes. Just sit down by the door there, and — 

All. Oh! (Look at one another in horror.) 

Mrs. W. What does this mean, Mrs. Newmann? 

Mrs. R. Are you crazy? 

Mrs. S. Do you mean to insult us? 

Dr. J. (looking on). I was afraid they'd take it that way. 

Mrs. F. Come, mother. We'll go home ! 

Mrs. N. No, wait! I — I you explain to them, Hen- 
rietta ! 

Mrs. a. Be seated, ladies. It is for me to explain. I 
just asked my sister to invite them both in. As downtrod- 
den women, they should learn what suffrage means — 

Bridget. Sure, now, and don't we know what sufferin' 
manes? Isn't oursilves — 

Belle. Yo' done bettah shet up dat mouf o' yourn, 
Mrs. O'Flanagan. Bettah listen, an' heah what de quality 
folks am a-sayin' to yo'. 

Mrs. N. And the keynote of freedom is democracy. 
You must not only be free yourself, you must lead others 
and help others to become as free as you are. 

All (sitting dozvn with great air of relief). Oh! 

Mrs. a. (standing — all others seated). Ladies, I can 
see that you are all very unhappy. You are all held down 
and ground beneath the heel of that all dominating monster, 
Man! 

Mrs. O. What does she mean, Cora? Pa never stepped 
on my toes in all his life. 

Mrs. a. You are all afraid — yes, afraid — to assert 
vourselves. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 33 

Mrs. R. Pshaw! I'm not afraid of anything or any- 
body ! " 

All. Neither am i ! 

Maud enters, stands behind Belle and listens. 

Mpc; a Then why, I wonder, do you all submit to the 

.^nritv of those whom you call husbands? Do you hke 
L 'obey''? (AUlook at\ne another^ Why don't you 
strike ? 

Mr's A^\mA«'«««v)- Strike! And strike hard! 
Mrs'. H. {timidly). But do you think mduant tactics ad- 

'''mrs' a. You all w.sh-or think you wish-to be free 
from the yoke of bondage! 

'^■.^s r^l:SVeba-or would like to rebel-against 
the boasted superior power of those husbands- 

All. Yes ! 

Mrs a. Maud, be still ! 

ment allowed to be. 

Mr's. Z'^Divorces are altogether out of fashion since 
the new Reno law— 

Mk's. A^^There-s only one way to deal with the refrac- 
tory husband nowadays. 

All {eagerly). What? 

Mrs. a. Club him ! 

tr'fs -a'^Y^s Sfhim. Sounds strange, I k,K>w ; but 
thil U over The time is swiftly coming near when Man 



34 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

shall be given a dose of his own bitter medicine ; when he 
shall no longer stay out to his club till three and four 
o'clock in the morning, stealing home in the wee sma' 
hours with a lie on his lips and the stench of the wine cup 
on his breath. Instead, he will be at home tending the 
baby, sewing on buttons, darning stockings, and chopping 
the hash, while his wife meets with the associated sisters 
of her club in solemn conclave, and discusses ways and 
means for making his life more miserable. The hour of 
vengeance is at hand. As I said before, build up a club — 
and strike ! 

Bridget. An' sure, now, won't the broom handle be 
hard enough ? 

Mrs. O. I never needed no clubs in my day. Pa never 
once forgot to wipe his feet on the doormat. 

Dr. J. I always hated the men ! I shall be only too 
glad to see them getting their just deserts. I hate them 
like — like microbes ! 

Mrs. O. I've always noticed most women do who haven't 
got one of their own, Doctor. Men are like babies — no- 
body wants anybody else's, but everybody likes their own. 

Mrs. a. Humph! 

Mrs. O. ^^^^en they get one themselves, they kind o' 
keep still about the one their own neighbor's got. 

Dr. T- Humph! (Sweeps hand around circle.) Looks 
like it' 

Mrs. O. Well, I've been noticing there was a sort of 
fever of fault-finding having a run amongst the women 
folks lately; but I knew they'd live through it all right. 
But if they get to using clubs — goodness only knows what 
may happen. It may not'wear ofif as easy as usual without 
a good dose of catnip or ginger tea. I hate to have my 
daughter — (Mrs. F. nudges her and frozvns zvarningly,) I 
suppose it's the way you do in Boston, Mrs. Ashton ? 

Mrs« a. The way progressive women do everywhere. 

Mrs. R. (glancing toward mirror). Does it help a 
woman's looks 

Mrs. W. Does it keep her husband from needing so 
much office help? 



CLUBBING A HUSBAXD. 35 

Mrs. S. Does it give her more of a chance to cultivate 
her voice ? 

Dr. J. Excellent ! Curtain lectures — midnight. Best 
cultivator ever thought of. 

Belle. Will it suah bring dat Sambo o' mine to time? 

Bridget. An' is it jest mesilf as can bate some sense 
into me Pat wid de loikes o' de same? 

]\Irs. a. (grandiloquently). It will conquer everything! 
anything ! 

Mrs. X. You may bring in the tea now, Belle and 
Bridge — er — Mrs. O'Flanagan. Maud may help vou if you 
like. 

Belle. Dat limb o' trouble? (The three exit.) 

Mrs. H. I'll get some new cards right away — "Mrs. 
^lary Hudson." Never "Harry" any more. 

Mrs. W. \\'on't it be too lovelv to belong to a real 
club? 

^Irs. X. But I never belonged to anything in all my life, 
except George. 

Mrs. O. I joined the church once. 

Mrs. S. And I was a member of a singing school. 

Mrs. R. There was a Ladies' Temperance Society — I 
can't remember the name — 

Dr. J. This will be very different. In this, every woman 
must strike for the independence of her sex, and cry, 
"Down with the men !" until every brute of them is sub- 
dued. 

Mrs. X". (aside). I don't like to hear George called a 
brute. 

Mrs. F. Will we need — need — oh, you know — bombs 
and dynamite, and things like that? 

Mrs. a. Oh, no! 

Enter Belle and Bridget icith trays — one z^'ith cups of 
coffee, napkins, the other ivith cream and sugar. Maud fol- 
IozkS icith sandzciches. 

Dr. T. X'othing but laws and rules, and sharp, sharp 
tongues. -Thank you. (To Belle. ) 

All. Oh ! 



36 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Dr. J. And courage enough to use them. What splen- 
did coffee ! 

Mrs. W. (taking cup from Belle). Fire away, then. 
Fm ready ! 

All. So am I ! 

Mrs. N. (taking last cup from Belle). I hope it will 
all be in running order before George comes home. 

Mrs. a. (szveetening her coffee, etc., from Bridget's 
tray. Be sure all are served in this scene. It is not possible 
to put in every move, but a little practice ivill make it all 
very natural, and each will knozv just what move to make.) 
Why? (Turns sternly from Bridget to Mrs. N.) 

Mrs. N. (nervously) . Oh — I — I — I don't know. I just 
thought he might laugh. 

Mrs. a. Laugh? Humph! 

Dr. J. (mouth full of sandzmch). Let those laugh who 
have reason. 

Mrs. F. (between gulps of coffee). Fm so afraid Henry 
will object. 

Mrs. O. (smelling of her sandzvich as though afraid to 
eat ii). Object? Of course he will. Any sensible man 
would. 

Dr. J. (taking another saiidz^'ich from Maud). And why 
should he object? These arc delicious, Mrs. Newmann. 

Mrs. N. Thank you ! 

Mrs. F. Why, he — he — well, he doesn't believe in 
Woman's Rights, you know, nor any of that sort of thing. 

Dr. J. (taking third sandzvich). Of course not. No 
man does. It's against their principles. They want to play 
hog. Have you plenty of these, Mrs. Newmann? They 
are most palatable. 

Mrs. N. Certainly. Get more, Maud. 

Maud. But where do I come in? 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud. Yes, mamma. (Exit Maud.) 

Mrs. W. (to Mrs. Ferris). y\nd are you going to let 
him run you? 

Mrs. R. Will you still remain in 
son we've had todav? 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 37 

Mrs. F. (glancing uneasily at Mrs. O., zvho is eating 
sandzvich very gingerly, tasting each morsel as though 
afraid of it). No — no — I'll join, of course. I'm just crazy 
to join. Only — 

Mrs. O. You'll do nothing of the sort, Cora. 

Mrs. F. Oh, yes I will, mother. I must. I must join 
the procession, you know. I must keep up with the best 
society. 

Mrs. O. (wiping fingers on handkerchief) . Fiddle-de-dee ! 

Mrs. H. But you are going to join, too, are you not, 
Mrs. Ottaway? 

Mrs. O. Me? Me? Me get the club foot? Why, of 
course not ! 

Maud re-enters zvith sandzviches. 

Maud. Here's your feed. Dr. Jordan. I ate my share 
in the kitchen. Licking good, too. 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud. Well, wasn't that what the Doctor said? You 
didn't "Maud" her. 

Dr. J. Thank you, little girl. 

Maud. Little girl! Get next to that, would you? 

Mrs. F. O, mother! Will I have to be in it all alone? 

Mrs. O. All alone? Why, there's half a dozen or so 
here today, and — 

Mrs, F. But you have- always gone everywhere with 
me before. (Belle and Bridget, zvho have been picking iih 
dishes, etc., exeunt zvith them.) 

Mrs. O. Well, I suppose if you're so bound to go into 
it, I'll have to tag along as usual to look after you. I al- 
ways have had to. 

Mrs. F. But, mother, listen. 

Mrs. O. Henry never would forgive me if I let you get 
into any scrape. He'd lay it all onto me as not having 
brought you up to have better sense. 

All. Oh, Mrs. Ottaway! 

Mrs. O. Well, you can club Henry around, I suppose, 
if you take a notion, seeing as it's you he married for 
better or for worse ; but I'm going to hang around and 



38 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

look after poor old pa's white head. There'll be no club- 
bing him while I live, if the world does get turned upside 
down. 

Mrs. \\'. ( rising and shaking skirts). Such lovely re- 
freshments, Mrs. Newmann. 

Mrs. R. (follozving suit, looking toward mirror). Yes, 
hasn't she the dearest cook? 

Dr. J. Well, what are you all going to do? 

Mrs. O. Go home, I hope. 

The Others. Club! 

Mrs. a. Good ! I thought you would. Shake off the 
bondage of man, and be free, free, free! 

Mrs. R. Will there be dues to pay? I just know Wil- 
liam won't give me any money ! 

Dr. J. Help yourself to it. 

Mrs. R. But how? 

Dr. J. His pockets — while he sleeps. 

Mrs. R. Lovely. I never thought of that. 

Mrs. W. (aside to I\Irs. S.). How do you suppose she 
knows so much about a man's pockets? 

Mrs. S. Oh, she keeps herself posted on all the up-to- 
date methods. But didn't you say it would be free, free, 
free? (Sings last words.) 

Mrs. a. That, of course, is for you all to decide. 

Mrs. S. \y\\\ there be music? I'll sing, and sing, and 
sing ! 

All. Oh. dear! 

Mrs. a. That, too, of course, will be for you all to 
decide. 

Mrs. S. There's always somebody somewhere to de- 
cide for me, it seems. 

Mrs. W. AA'ill there be stenographers? li so, count me 
out. 

Mrs. F. Will there b" ?nmel)ody we can leave the chil- 
dren with? 

Dr. J. Husbands a::d fathers. AMiat else are thev good 
for? 

Mrs. a. Yes, I would h:\ve left my little Maud in Boston, 
onlv — 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 39 

Maud (giggling). I tagged. 

Mrs. a. She is so young and always so full of life. 
Besides, she is my only one. I couldn't bear to be sepa- 
rated from her. 

Maud. And papa balked, too. He don't like kids. 
(Giggles.) He said mamma could stay at home if — 

Mrs. a. You'd better run out, now, Maud. You're in 
our way, you see. 

Maud. But, mamma, you know — 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud (meekly). Yes, mamma. (Exits slozvly, looking 
hack over shoulder.) 

Mrs. O. (aside). Mercy on me! What an overgrown 
girl she is. If that's what the advanced children are, I'm 
glad I had mine when it was fashionable to be keeping 
company and making wedding linen at her age. 

Mrs. F. (rising, nervously zvatching to see if her mother 
is overheard, but all are zvhispering together). We must 
hurry home now, mother. You know I've got to bake bis- 
cuit for supper, and Henry will be half starved. 

Dr. J. Good for him ! 

AIrs. O. (rising). Pa, too. Wait till I put my stocking 
away, Cora. (Puts knitting lit hand-bag.) 

Mrs. W. I hope you'll have something literary on the 
programs. I adore literary things — especially poetry. 
You know : 

"The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, 

Doth glance from earth to heaven — " 

no; that's not just right; but it's something about "airy 

nothing," a "local habitation and a name." That makes 

me think. What will w^e call our club? 

Mrs. O. That "airy nothing" would be a suitable name 
for it, I think. 

Mrs. F. Hush, mother. 

Mrs. O. But it's all such utter bosh, Cora. 

Mrs. F. Hush! 

Dr. J. The name can wait till we get started, can't it? 
We'll be sure to have everything lovely — every lofty ideal, 



40 CLUBBINCx A HUSBAND. 

and absorbing ambition shall be realized — everything and 
anything that you can suggest that will make the club more 
attractive and enticing than the home. 

Mrs. R. (rising). I must go, too. I want to get some 
samples off those bargain silks at Holzwasser's. My! but 
they're beauties. And going so cheap. Of course, WiUiam 
won't let me have any, but he can't keep me from looking, 

Mrs. a. Miserable man ! 

Mrs. R. Shake on it, Mrs. Ash.ton. And he shall be 
more miserable yet. Believe me. By the way, when is the 
first blow to be struck? 

Dr. J. Yes, listen to me. (Mrs. N. motions to Belle 
and Bridget, who just then look in from the kitchen, and 
they step inside.) You must all meet in my office tonight, 

Bridget. An' is it mesilf — 

Dr. J. Yes, yourself, myself, and every single /irrself — 
all must be on hand tonight to combine forces for the first 
blow. 

Mrs. H. (rising). Are you sure it will work? 

Mrs. a. Work? This is a movement like yeast — it has 
to work. It compels women to rise. The concerted pur- 
pose — the concentration of mentalities — the focusing of 
forces — why, it will move the world ! 

Dr. J. I feel that Mrs. Ashton deserves a vote of 
thanks for coming to our community with her glad gos- 
pel. To lift downtrodden woman from the mire of her 
own mentality, — for it's all mental bondage, you know — 
a woman needn't be a slave unless she thinks so — is a 
wonderful mission. I've lain awake many a night thinking 
and thinking of you poor souls, wondering what I could 
do to help all of you who are so unfortunate as to have 
husbands, but this never once occurred to me. Now I am 
convinced that — 

All. The club's the thing! 

Dr. J. Tonight at eight, then — my office — 

Curtain. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 41 



Act III. 



, Scene: Dr. Jordan's ofRce. D. F. to hall, R. D. to 
private office. Desk and office chair R. of D. F. Book- 
case R. Mirror L. of D. F. Three or four common chairs 
about the room. At C. is a table on zvhich are a few maga- 
zines with chair near by. See Scene Plot for stage setting. 

Dr. Jordan is discovered picking up packages from the 
table, clearing it for the evening. 

Dr. J. Calomel, quinine, arsenic and morphine. Enough 
to kill or cure every man, woman and child in the whole 
town. I must hurry, too, or the ladies will be here before 
I am ready for them. I'll have to bring in some more 
chairs from the other room. Let me see. There were 
twelve of us out this afternoon, if I've counted right, and 
of course they'll all be on hand to get a good grip on the 
club. They'll all want to have an office of some kind, too, 
and there can't possibly be offices enough invented to go 
around. What poor helpless creatures married women 
are! How glad I am that I escaped it all. (Sighs.) And 
yet — yet — well, if Frederick Sweeny had asked me that 
night when I felt so sure he was going to, I suppose I'd 
have been just such a fool as the rest of them. Happy me ! 

Bridget enters, looking all around curiously. 

Bridget. Sure an' is it mesilf as is the first of the la- 
dies to be afther arroivin' at the blow-up? The loikes o' it 
now. 

Dr. J. The very first, Bridget. 

Bridget. Mrs. O'Flanagaii, if yez plaze, Doc. 

Dr. J. Humph! Is that so? 

Bridget. Yis, mum. 

Dr. J. It used to be Bridget. 

Bridget. That was before I got mesilf emancipated, 
an' learned about the loikes o' us all bein' so free an' equal. 
It's meself as thinks this club's a foine thing — the foinest 
I iver heard tell of, at all at all. It's not Bridget I am. 



42 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

even to me Pat, begorrah. It's Mrs. O'Flanagan, if ye: 
plaze, mum. 

Dr. J. Humph ! (Starts out for chairs, stops, looks a 
Bridget, hesitatingly, then speaks:) If you don't mind 
then, Mrs. O'Flanagan, would you just help me bring ii 
these chairs? 

Bridget. Chairs, is it? (Very superior air, eying Dr 
J. haughtily.) 

Dr. J. Chairs it is. 

Bridget. And is it as a frind yez be afth.er askin', Doc 

Dr. J. (nodding). As a friend. 

Bridget (still insistent). As a frind and a sister? 

Dr. J. (hesitates a minute, then szvallozvs it down). K\ 
a friend and a sister. 

Bridget (patronizingly). Wall, now, it's jist the loikei 
o' Bridget O'Flanagan as would loike to be lindin' a helpin 
hand to a frind an' a sister, sure an' it is that same, bu 
yez see, Oi have to be doin' a little shoppin' around th( 
corner, so yez see Oi can't wait to help yez out, at all, a 
all. It's sorry for yersilf I am, but — yez see how it is. 

Dr. J. (significantly). Yes, indeed. I see how it is 
(Watches Bridget sarcastically as Bridget exits zvith aii 
of great importance.) 

Belle (outside). Ain't yo' done gwine to show no man 
nahs at all to a poah culled lady what is comin' to d( 
meetin' wid de quality folks? Huh! 

Belle enters in great indignation. 

Belle. Dat fool Irish thing. She done run right into 
me wiv her old big carcass. 'Pears to me she am in c 
mighty hurry, or else I'se gettin' mighty small, so she an 
not seein' me very plain. I'se in time, isn't I, Dr. Jordan 

Dr. J. Just in time. 

Belle. I suah don't want to be behind myself. 

Dr. J. Just in time to help me bring in a few mon 
chairs. 

Belle. Me? Bring chairs? (Horrified. Points to sel] 
as if insulted.) 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 43 

Dr. J. (enipJiatically). You! Bring chairs! {Points to 
Belle.) 

Belle. Not dis heah chile, Doc! Not dis heah chile. 
I'se done got to go down de stweet. I'se got no time at all 
to done help yo' bwing in dem chairs. Yo' am done got 
to hab some udder chile do dat, Doc. (Exits hastily.) 

Dr. J. What in the world has happened to Belle, I 
wonder? That was not a bit like her. She is usually so 
eager to help do anything there is to do. And Bridget, too. 
What can have got into them ? Is that the club spirit — the 
working out of sisterly love? Well, I can bring them in 
myself and be under no obligations to anybody — thanks to 
my own habit of single blessedness and independence. 
(Exits.) 

Maud (outside). Mamma! 

Maud enters, looks all around room. 
Maud. Mamma! Well, now, where is she? 
Dr. Jordan enters zvith chair. 

Maud. Isn't mamma here yet, Doctor? 

Dr. J. Nobody here yet but me. 

Maud. And me. 

Dr. J. Humph! (Looks at her scornfully.) 

Maud (bozving lozv, spreading skirts). See? 

Dr. J. Well, it isn't any kindergarten or mother's club. 
You'd better not be! 

Maud (astonished). Me? 

Dr. J. (emphatically). You! 

Maud. But I always go where mamma goes. 

Dr. T. Poor taste in your mother. 

Maud. What? 

Dr. J. I said I — had noticed you were usually with 
her. 

Maud.. She's afraid I'll get into mischief if she leaves 
me at home alone. 

Dr. J. (drily). I see. 

Maud. I'm so young, you know. 

Dr. J. (sarcastically). I don't see that! 



44 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Maud (zvaltmng up to mirror). You don't? (Tnrn^ 
back after carefully looking her reflection over.) But yoi 
mtist see it, Dr. Jordan. 

Dr. J. Must! 

Maud. Um-humph ! 

Dr. J. I don't see that, either. 

Maud. Why don't you? If you don't see how youn§ 
I am, you won't be apt to see how young mamma is, and 
so — 

Dr. J. (raising both hands in gesture). I see! (Starts 
out for chairs.) 

Maud. Where you going? 

Dr. J. After chairs 

Maud. Chairs? Where? ' 

Dr. J. (motions). In there. 

Maud. Why didn't you say something about it before; 
I'll get 'em. Show me. 

Dr. J. Well, now. That's a good little girl. {Sur- 
prised.) 

Maud. Ain't it, now? Oh, you don't know me. I'rr 
a peach. And I've got to have some hand in this business 
you see, so I'll know how to club my old man when I gel 
him, and — how many you want? 

Dr. J. (counting). Let me see. Six more will do. 

Maud. All right. 'Twon't take me a jiffy. (Exits.) 

Dr. J. She isn't such a bad young one, after all. Dread- 
fully spoiled, of course, but — 

Enter Mrs. Ashton, Mrs. Newmann and Mrs 
Reynolds. 

Mrs. a. (looking around in surprise). I declare. Arc 
we the first? 

Dr. J. There have been others, but they were — well, 
called out. 

Mrs. N, Will they be back? 

Dr. J. To be sure. 

Mrs. R. When? Soon? ( .-It mirror.) 

Dr. J. Well, when there is nothing they can possibly be 
asked to do here. Just take some seats and — 



I 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 45 

Mrs. N. We would have been here before, but Mrs. 
Reynolds saw a ten-cent handkerchief offered for eight 
and a half cents, and of course she had to. — 

Mrs. R. (turning from mirror eagerly and joininy 
group). Yes, isn't it lovely? See? And such a bargain. 

Maud enters zvith chair. 

Maud. Hello, mamma! 

Mrs. a. (rising). Why, Maud Ashton ! What are you 
doing here? 

Maud. Can't you see, mamma. Put on your specs. 

Mrs. a. (in z'oice of horror). Carrying chairs! 

Maud. Bully for you, mamma. You guessed it first 
thing. Only 'tain't chairs — it's only chair — singular, you 
know. 

Mrs. a. Very singular. And I don't like to have you 
doing such work, dearie. Is it not heavy ? 

Maud. Nix! (Exits zvith dancing steps.) 

Mrs. a. (to Dr. J.). Do you think she ought — 

Dr. J. Good exercise for her. She's too fat. 

Mrs. a. Fat? My Maudie? Why, how can you say 
that? Of course, if you thinks she needs the exercise — 
(sits resignedly) — why, you're the doctor. But — 

Enter Mrs. Ferris with Mrs. Ottaway. 

Mrs. F. Come right in, mother. 

Dr. J. Yes, come in, ladies, and have seats. We're not 
all here, but — glad to see you out again this evening, Mrs. 
Ottaway. (Shaking hands zvith her.) 

Mrs. O. (sitting). Oh, I just had to come along to look 
after Cora. Land only knows what trouble she may get 
herself into yet, when I'm not around to take care of her. 

Maud enters zvith chair. 

Maud. Gee! Wonder if mamma'll always have to tag 
me up like that. (Gestures zvith hands as she exits.) Not 
if I know myself. 

Mrs. F. Mother never will remember that I'm grown 
up. 

Mrs. O. You ain't. I must get out my stocking, or pa 



46 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

won't have a new pair before cold weather sets in. {Takes 
out knitting, works busily.) 
Mrs. a. Slavery! 

Mrs. O. ThaVs just all in the way you look at it. 
Mrs. Skylark enters. 
3^RS. S. Are you all here? 
Dr. J. Not quite. Room for you, you see. 
Maud entering zvith another chair. 

Maud. Every bodv works poor father. 

Mrs. a. Maud! 

Maud. I didn't mean anything, mamma. (Exits.) 

Mrs. S. (sitting). I just had to tell Tom that I was go- 
ing shopping. So I can't stay late. 

Mrs. O. Who was it said, *' Conscience does make liars 
of us all." 

Mrs. F. Mother! Mother! 

Mrs. O. But I didn't say it first. 

Mrs. S. (defending herself). Well, T didn't dare let him 
know — 

Mrs. a. Didn't dare? Aren't we all met here to claim 
our independence as free-born individuals — not things ! 
Didn't dare! 

Mrs. S. (trembling). I — I — yes, yes, I dared. Of course 
I dared. I just — forgot. 

Mrs. a. (firmly). You mustn't forget! 

Dr. J. {emphatically). You must always remember. 

Mrs. S. But — but — you — you don't know Tom. 

Mrs. a. Don't want to. 

Mrs. N. {nervously) . Will this club help us to — to — al- 
ways remember, Henrietta? 

Mrs. a. Certainly. To remember is to act. Use the 
club — use it vigorously, freely. Club your husbands all 
day, and every day — all night, and every night till he 
knows his place and keeps it. The brute ! 

Mrs. N. (defensively). But George— isn't such a bad 
sort, vou know. He — he — I don't think he's such a brute. 
I don't think— 

Maud enters with chair. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 47 

Maud. Who's elected? Fll be guardian angel and 
I-:eep-er of the broomsticks. 

AIrs. a. Isn't she quaint? The dear child! Just like I 
used to be. (Maud exits.) 

Dr. J. (grimly). I don't doubt it. 

Mrs. N, I don't like to hear poor George called a brute 
in such a cold-blooded manner, Henrietta. Won't some 
other word do just as well? 

Mrs. a. Six months married ! Wait till you've had six 
years of George and you'll sing a different song. 

Mrs. S. If he lets you sing at all. But if he's like — 

Dr. J. (looking at door). Come in, Mrs. Whitney. 
Mrs. Whitney enters. 

Mrs. W. Thank you. I'd have been here before, but 
my husband was telephoning to his stenographer, and I 
wanted to hear just what he had to say. It was something 
about a new ribbon he was going to get her — three-col- 
ored. I'll fix him ! 

All. Club him ! 

Belle (sticks head in). Am yo' done got all dem cheers 
in, Doctor Jordan? 

Dr. J. Yes, come in. The coast is clear. 
Belle enters. 

Belle. Dis chile am so tired. (Throws self in chair 
hard). 

Dr. J. I couldn I help but notice. 

Mrs. N. Born tired — that girl. 

Belle. Such trapesing around — such running and rac- 
ing. (Fans herself.) Dat Sambo did hab so many errands 
fo' me to do. 

Mrs. a. (sharply). Sambo! 

Belle (innocently). Suah — Sambo. He am my man. 

All. Club him! 

Belle. Dat's what I'se gwine to do, when I done finds 
a club what's stout enough to make any noise on his thick 
ole skull. Bridget enters, panting. 

Bridget. Be jabers, an' it's a big flight o' stairs yez be 
afther makin' us climb. Doc. It's an oflice downstairs yez 



48 CTXTBBING A HUSBAND. 

be nadin' when yez expect all the ladies to come to meet 
wid yez — sure an' it is that same. 

Dr. J. (sarcastically). I'll attend to it at once, Bridget, 
I should have done so before, but I didn't have time tn 
move this afternoon. Sit down, Bridget. 

Bridget. Mrs. O'Flanagan, if yez plaze. W^asn't I jist 
afther a-tellin' yez — 

Dr. J. Yes, yes ; to be sure. This is Mrs. O'Flanagan, 
ladies. 

All (rising and bowing with mock courtesy). Mrs. 
O'Flanagan. 

Bridget (sitting). Good evening to yez all. It's right 
polite yez are to a dacent Oirish lady. (They resume seats.) 

Maud enters with tzvo chairs, climbs up on one and 
begins to speak. 

Maud. Ladies, now that I see you are all jumbled — no, 
I mean assembled — together, I rise for to speak. Don't 
anybody make a single motion until I — 

Mrs. a. Maud ! Maud ! Do be still. 

Maud. I know a lot about clubs. It's born in me, I was 
brought up on them, I had it well beaten into me, as you 
might say — • 

Mrs. a. The dear child. 

Maud. There is nothing like a good stout club when 
you want to force a point or raise- a blister. 

Mrs. a. Isn't she brilliant? 

Maud. You simply have to pound sense in some skulls 
— especially husbands'. 

Mrs. O. Humph! I never did. 

Maud. There are many kinds of clubs — ball clubs, golf 
clubs, tomahawks, mallets and Indian clubs ; but the kind 
don't cut any figure. Any old club will do, except hus- 
bands. Men are poor sticks. I know, for mamma says 
so. And she's had three. The main thing is, whatever 
club you use, to hit hard enough to do some good. So I 
say to one, and say to all, ''Down with the men !" 

All. Down with the men ! 

Mrs. R. She'll follow in your footsteps all right. 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 49 

Mrs. a. I do hope so. 

Mrs. V\'. "As the twig is bent, the tree will grow." 

Maud. Three cheers for me ! 

Dr. J. {looking at door). Come in, Mrs. Hudson. 

Enter Mrs. Hudson. 

Maud. There! You've missed my speech. Had I bet- 
ter make it over? 

Mrs. a. Not tonight, dear. We'll let you have the tioor-— 

Maud {stepping doivn). No use for a floor. A chair 
will do me. I'll take the chair, d^nd— {walks with it to 
Mrs. H.) offer it to you. 

Mrs. H. {sits). Thank you. {Looks around.) Am I 
late? Harry didn't want me — 

Dr. J. Harry nothing! 

Mrs. H. But I'm never out alone in the evening, you 
know, and he makes such fun — 

Mrs. a. I hope you showed him his place. 

Mrs. H. He seemed to know it for himself. He said 
he was going over to play cards with Mr. Ferris. 

Mrs. F. {jumping up). What? With Henry? 

Mrs. H. Yes. 

Mrs. F. But he promised me — 

Mrs. O. Sit down, Cora. Calm yourself. Men will be 
men. When the wives are away the men will play. 

Mrs. F. I'm going right straight home. I just won't 
liave Henry — 

Mrs. O. (sarcastically). Sit down, Cora. You ve never 
tried the club. 

Mrs. F. No ; but, mother, you know Henry promised— 

Mrs. a. Men's promises! Humph! 

Dr. y. Pie crust! 

Mrs.' N. (to Mrs. R.). Wonder how she knows? 

Mrs. a. Do sit down, Mrs. Ferris. Wait till you learn 
the rules. (Mrs. F. sits reluctantly, looking troubled.) 

Mrs. IT. Isn't it just too perfectly lovely to be able to 
make rules, and laws, and things like that, all of our very 
own selves? 

Mrs. R. Lots lovelier, if we can only make the men 



50 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

toe lip. Lots of folks make laws, but men don't always 
keep them. 

Mrs. a. Oh, they'll keep them. If they don't, just 
start a second club — start three — four — a dozen! The 
club's the thing. If you club them hard enough, they will 
mind. 

Mrs. F. (rising again). Mother, I just can't help think- 
ing we'd better go right home. Card playing in my house — 

Mrs. O. Oh, sit down, Cora! Better see the show out. 

Mrs. a. Show? 

Mrs. W. "All the world's a stage, 

And all the men and women merely players," 

Mrs. F. {nervously). But if Henry — 

Dr. J. Sit down, Mrs. Ferris. If he's bound to go to 
ruin, you can't stop him. 

Mrs. O. Even with a club. I ain't worried a bit for 
fear pa'll play. He's too old a dog for even clubbing to 
teach him any new tricks. 

Mrs. F. Oh, father's all right. He's always all right. 
But Henry — 

Ladies {in unison). Sit down, Mrs. Ferris. {She sits as 
before, worried.) 

Maud. I'm going down to the postoffice, mamma. The 
mail's in. 

Mrs. a. All right, dear. Look out for mad dogs, run- 
away horses, black men and automobiles. 

Maud. Watch my smoke! {Exit.) 

Mrs. a. {rising). I think, ladies, it's about time for us 
to begin. We are all here, aren't we? 

All. Yes ! 

Dr. J. You will act as chairman, of course, Mrs. 
Ashton. 

Mrs. A. C\\2.\v man? Never! Let us put the very name 
of men out of our lives for this one free hour at least. 

Dr. J. Chair-woman, I should have said — chair-lady — 
chair-madam — whatever is the correct female form. You 
will act? 

Mrs. a. {looking around modestly). If you all wish, 
but surely some of you — 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 51 

All. Mrs. Ashton ! Mrs. Ashton! 

Mrs. a. Of course, if you insist — 

All. We do! 

Mrs. a. Thank you. It's very sweet of you all, I'm 
sure. As chaivivoinau, first, last, and all the time, I accept 
the chair. (Telephone bell heard off R.) 

Mrs. H. The telephone's ringing in your private office, 
Dr Jordan. 

Dr. J. Thank you. (To ladies.) Excuse me. 

All. Certainly. (She exits.) 

Mrs. N. Isn't it just fine to have a lady doctor? 

Mrs. R. One so wise — 

Mrs. W. And good— 

Mrs. H. And kind— 

Mrs. O. And smart! Pa just thinks his old eyes of Dr. 
Jordan. 

Belle. Suah ! Men doctahs doan nebber know nuffin' 
noways. 

Bridget. Sure, now, an' ain't it the truth yez be afther 
a-tellin', jist? It's niver the loikes o' doctor-men as can 
iver help mesilf out o' a sore toe. Bad 'cess to the spal- 

Dr. Jordan enters hurriedly. 

Dr. J. I'm very sorry, ladies, but I just must leave you 
for a little. Mr. — (bites lip, glances at Mrs. S. uneasily 
and goes on with some embarrassment.) Well, a man in 
town has been taken very sick — ■ 

All (jumping up nervously). My husband? 

Dr. J. (ignoring them). And I must go at once — 

Mrs. S. Tom? 

Mrs. N. George? 

Mrs. W. Joe? 

Mrs. O. Pa? 

Mrs. F. Henry? 

Mrs. H. Harry? 

Bridget. Pat ? 

Belle. Sambo ? 

Dr. J. (not anszvering anybody). I'll be back as soon as 
I can. (Exits.) 



(All together, anxiously.) 



52 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

All (looking at one another anxiously). Who can it be? 

Mrs. a. (tapping table). Do come to order, ladies, or 
you'll never have a club. (All sit, zvith much nervousness, 
worried looks, etc.) Now, of course, the first thing to do 
is to elect your officers. Who'll you have for President? 

All (eagerly). Me! 

Mrs. a. But, dear me ! You can't all be President. 
The law doesn't allow more than one at a time. It only 
needs one, anyway, when you have the right kind. It really 
ought to be somebody who is in no way bound to man, 
v/ho never has been in any way bound to man, who never 
will be in any way bound to man ! 

All. Dr. Jordan! 

Mrs. a. a good selection, I'm sure. You couldn't pos- 
sibly do better. And — 

Dr. Jordan running in excitedly. 

Dr. J. Mrs. Skylark, your husband is very sick. I be- 
lieve you'd better — 

Mrs. S. (jumping up). Oh! (Staggers. Dr. J. catches 
her.) 

Dr. J. Bear up. He'll pull through, though. Dr. 
White is with him now — (Leads her to door. She exits.) 

All. a man? 

Mrs. O. Always a man — in an emergency. 

All. Humph! Maud runs in. 

Maud. Aunt Blanche, Uncle George has come home 
from Chicago, and he wants you — 

Mrs. N. (jumps up eagerly). George! The darling! 

Mrs. a. Blanche! 

Mrs. N. Where is he, Maud? I must run ! Bye-bye, all. 
(She exits hurriedly.) 

Mrs. F. (rises). Mother, we must go. That card game! 
And what if pa — 

Mrs. O. (rises slowly). Well, maybe we had, Cora. 
Maybe we had. If you've got Henry clubbed enough — 

Mrs. H. (jumping up nervously). I'm afraid — 

Mrs. a. (sternly). Of what, pray? 

Mrs. H. Oh, n-n-n-nothing ! 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 53 

Maud (mischievously). Oh, see that mouse! 

All. Oh ! oh ! oh ! (All jump on chairs, tables, etc., 
holding skirts.) 

Mrs. a. Where is it? Where? 

Maud (laughing), ft's gone now. 

Mrs. O. You little vixen ! 

Mrs. a. I ought to spank you for th.at. (All climb 
dozun, breathing more freely.) 

All. Cluh her! 

Mrs. R. I hope all the stores won't be closed. I saw 
a parasol — 

Bridget. Pat said if I wasn't afther showin' up by 
noine, he'd whale me wid a fence rail. I guess I — 

Belle. An' I'se done feared as how dat Sambo o' mine 
am gwine to need a smoke. He am all out ob tobacco, an* 
I'd bettah— 

Mrs. a. Ladies! Ladies! (Raps desk loudly.) We 
haven't adjourned. I wish you — 

Maud. I got you this letter out of the office, mamma. 
Maybe you'd better read — 

Mrs. a. a letter from your father? I wonder what he 
can have to say? Let me see. (Opens and reads.) "Dear 
Henrietta : Do stop raising the devil out there and come 
straight home where you belong, and mind your own busi- 
ness ! I command you — " 

Ladies (all very much interested). Ah! 

Dr. J. (to Mrs. A.). Hush! (Mrs. A. reads silently, 
showing much anger.) 

Maud. I got a letter for you, too, Dr. Jordan. 

Dr. J. For me ? From whom, I wonder ? 

Maud. I couldn't see. It was sealed. 

Dr. J. Let me see. (Takes letter.) Frederick Sweeny, 
as I live ! I thought he was dead and buried long ago. 
(Reads.) "My darling Georgiana : Forgive me for that 
foolish quarrel of the far-off past. I have loved you all 
my life, and I want you for my wife. I'll be with you 
Monday evening." Why, that's tonight! The dear boy — 
at last! 

Ladies (as before). Ah! 



54 CLUBBING A HUSBAND. 

Mrs. a. {to Dr. J.). Hush! 

Dr. J. {embarrassed) . Yes — yes — I — I — I — ladies, I am 
suddenly called away! I'll have to leave yon all to Mrs. 
.\shton. {Goes to mirror, primps hair, etc.) 

Mrs. a. Bnt I find some important business calls me 
l)ack to Boston at once, too. I fear I cannot help you, as 
you know I'd like to, ladies. I — I — 

Maud. It's papa. He always makes 
when he gets his dander up. 

Dr. J. (turning from mirror). Then 
have to adjourn, and — er — er — postpone 
of this club till some other evening. 

Mrs. F. Come, mother, I'm going home to Henry. 

Mrs. O. Yes, and I'm sure pa needs me, too. I see 
you're all coming to your senses — 

Mrs. H. But I'm afraid to go home in the dark. 

Mrs. W. Come with me, Mrs. Hudson. I'll take care 
of you. That stenographer! I'll kill lier! 

All. Club her! Club her! 

Mrs. R. Say what you like about clubs, but when you're 
tired, or hungry, or want your husband, then — 

All. The home's the thing! 

Curtain. 



her 


hump 


lively 


I'm 


afraid 


we'll 


the 


organization 



Parlor Matches 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

An engaging comedy of society, 2 acts; 4 males, 5 females. 
Time, l^/^ hours. Scene: 1 simple interior. Characters: Vance 
Trelford, a professional hero, who doesn't want to be engaged. 
Don Radey, his cousin, a serious young man, engaged, thank you. 
i^'erdinand Poppleton, a frivolous young man, likewise engaged. 
Jorkes, the butler, M'ho may or may not be engaged. Mrs. Seltoon, 
who believes in engagements. Margaret Seltoon, her elder daugh- 
ter, engaged to Mr. Radey. Suzanne Seltoon, her younger daughter, 
engaged to Mr. Poppleton. Gail Lawrence, her ward, engaging 
and eventually engaged. Abigail Mullen, A. B., her maid, tem- 
porarily engaged, as it were. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — A morning in June at Solitaire Villa, Dovecote. Mrs. 
Seltoon smooths out the course of true love. "Whoever heard 
of a grass widow playing a heroine in a love scene?" "Oh, it's 
one of the best things they do." Mrs. Seltoon seeking a man for 
her niece. "What is his yearly income?" The butler's opinion 
of a woman A. B. "Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedrabbled 
skirts, last year's hat and a banner saying Votes for Women!" 
The new maid who is a graduate from the Splinterville Normal. 
The moving picture liero. "Women make me nervous. I always 
keep out of their way." Symptoms of hydrophobia. "I bark, bow- 
wow-wow!" "His father is in oil and vinegar." "Is it a new kind 
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Act II. — A dinner party. Ferdy decides to enlist in the army. 
A reconciliation. Abigail and Adrian Lee of the movies. "Those 
eyes, that nose, it's him?" "I've seen you propose in white 
flannels, in feathers, in full evening clothes, in a sailor suit, 
and in the garbage of a monk, and every time you've won hei- in 
the end." Gail and her fiancee. That odious Mr. Trelford. Din- 
ner is served. Vance Trelford learns that he is engaged. "I ex- 
pected it all along." "Yes, I begin to think that I did it myself." 

Sewing for the Heathen 

By WA*LTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 15 Cents 

Entertainment for 9 ladies, either young or middle-aged. Time, 
40 minutes. Can be played on any stage or platform, or even in 
any room. Very refined. Suitable for church or any society. Char- 
acters: Mrs. Judd, the hostess. Mrs. Chester, the president. Mrs. 
R. B. Powers, the stranger. Grandma Gibbs, deaf but persistent. 
Miss Luella Huggins, so sentimental. Mrs. Strong, a suffragist. 
Mrs. Meeker, gentle and good. Mrs. Day, a bride. Meely, the 
hired girl. ^ SYNOPSIS. 

An anxious hostess. Meely wants to serve winny-wurst sand- 
wiches and noodle soup. The mystery of the jardeniere. The 
President arrives before she is expected. "It was her hair; she 
hadn't got it all on yet." Red flannels for the Hottentots in the 
middle of Africa. A stranger in town, the rich Mrs. Powers. A 
trip down town. Grandma Gibbs and her ear-trumpet. The rich 
Mrs. Powers is mistaken for the dressmaker. The meeting of the 
societJ^ A little tiff. The giddy Miss Huggins is late as usual. 
A present from the men. "Sewing for the Heathen." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



As a Woman Thinketh 

By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON. 
Price, 25 Cents 



CONGRESS 



LIBRARY 0!;, 




Comedy of the period, 3 acts; 9 males, 7 females, 
hours. Scenes: 2 interiors. Characters: (^^^ 
an every-day husband. Rev. Dunning a p; 
Weeden, the son, a bit wild. Caleb Mead, 
Philley, Beth's old playmate. Chip, an a 
rough. Jotham, the man of all work. Dr. . 
fogy. Prof. Majarajah, a Hindu lecturer 
Weeden, a mother of the period. Beth, 
Weedens' daughters. Mrs. Parker, of the 
Mrs. Dunning, an italicized echo. Suke, tl 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I.— RESOLUTION. Mrs. Weeden undertakes to clean up. 
The pastor reminds her of her duty. "You are responsible for 
your family." A Hindu professor of philosophy. She learns of 
her subconscious mind. Her declaration of independence. 

Act II.— REVOLUTION. The campaign opened. The family 
learn of virtvies they were unaware of possessing. "Papa, what 
ails her?" "Is she crazy?" The professor helps "drive the nail." 
According to vour faith. 

Act III. — EVOLUTION. The pastor comes to investigate. "It's 
a miracle." A happy home grows out of existing chaos. A humor- 
ous turn of affairs. Duped by an imposter. "Whoever he was, he 
was a Hindu to me." A renewed honeymoon. "As a woman think- 
eth in her heart." 



A Southern Cinderella 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy drama in 3 acts; 7 females. Time, 2 hours. Scene: 
1 interior. Characters: Madame Charteris. an old aristocrat. Enid 
Bellamy, a Southern Cinderella. RosFe Winterberry, a famous 
settlement worker. Miss Johnnie Bell Randolph, a little coquette. 
Katherine Hawke, an English nurse. Caroline Hawke, her sis- 
ter, an adventuress. Mammy Judy Johnson, a black blue-grass 
widow. . 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — The two Hawkes have their daily quarrel. "Dis yere 
bein' a widow woman is powerful lonesome." "The cream-col- 
ored pick ob de unplucked colored aristocracy." A mission of 
mercy. Madame refuses to receive her grandchild. Love con- 
quers pride and Enid comes home. ^ 

Act II. — The plotting of the Hawkes. Madame makes a new 
will. Mammy Judy deserted at the altar. "Ober 'leben dollars 
spent and not eben one cream-colored kiss." The death of Mad- 
ame. The burning of the will. "The Charteris fortune belongs 
to me." 

Act III. — Katherine and her Paris creation. "Take some of 
dat tail-fixin' and put it ober your shoulders." Enid mistreated. 
A will turns up. A Southern Cinderella comes into her own and 
goes to the ball. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENiSON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. r. 

Documentary Evidence, J5 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Ci'clone, JO uiin.... 4 2 

J'amily Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a JJurglar. 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograj)!! Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Clreat Doughnut Ctiriioration, 

30 min 3 5 

Cii'eat Meilical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
(ireat Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans \'on Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 

Initiating a CIrariger, 25 min.. S 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 I 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball. 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Uook- Agenf ^0 

min 3 2 

]\Iy Lord in Livcrv, 1 hr.... 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 

My. Turn Next, 4^ n.iin 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a ]\Ian in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Familv. 40 min 3 3 

Only Cold Tea.' 20 min 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'W'ang. 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min . 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond. 40 min....t. 4 3 

.Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith, the Aviator, 40 mui... 2 3 

'lakiiig Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Knvelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too MucJi of a Good Thing, 45 

min. ■. 3 6 

Trear-.ure from Egypt. 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two .\unts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two' I?onnycastles, 45 min..,. 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White,- 20 min.. S 

Two of a Kind. 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

WanV'd a Hero. 20 min 1 1 

Which Will lie ^Larrv? 20 min. 2 ? 

Who Is Who"^ 40 min 3 2 

Wide Enofligh for Two. 45 min. 5 J 

Wrong Ttaby. 25 nn'n S 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 
Booster Club of lilackville, 25 m.lO 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish. 15 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

C\)ming Champion, 20 min.... 2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. I 4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

Five Mituites from \'cl! Col- 
lege. 15 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

I'Vesli Timothy Hay. 20 min.. 2 1 

Glickman, the Cilazier, 25 min. 1 1 

Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey. Rubf ! 1 5 min 1 

Home Run, 15 miii 1 1 

Hot .\ir, 25 min 2 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and .\fter, 10 min.. 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oshkosh Next Week. 20 min . . 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder. 10 

min 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh I'.ah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 

Prof. Black's F^innygraph, 15 m. 6 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 1 5 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 

Sunny .Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

ITnibrclla Mender, 15 min.... 2 
Uncle Bill at the Yaudeville. 

L5 min 

TTiicle TeflF. 25 min 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 mi 



A great numbe' 
Standard and Amr 
not found here ' 



Denison's 



':DGEJN&2004( 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers.154' 

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Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents each 




N this Series 
are f o u n d 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish. Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
ir p..pils of all ages. 
'ous Monologues. 
'cularly for ladies. 
es for Young Folks. 
humorous, original. 
Grave and Gay. 
nd humorous. 
"speaker. 
_,__ , ^^^^-^ ....^ ^_^ of master mind*. 

ETALEDGE,IN&20(;:: 



The Poetical Entertainer. 

For reading or speaking. 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
No. 



poetry. 14 Nos., per 



25c. 



DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 1 1 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fmgers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route- 

A merry trip for fun tourists 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

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